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The Depression Thread
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:19 am    Post subject: The Depression Thread  Reply with quote

Now, I know that we happen to have this thread on the old boards, however, I feel that on this board with it's smaller community the topic will itself go well used.

Now, I am no Bor, and I doubt that any of my problems are in any way as serious as you fine people's, but I feel that because I am starting this thread, I should put some up. Please do not hesitate in telling us your problems; while we cannot do much, explaining them takes some of the pain away.

Now, my problems run in two categories; the general and the particular.

My general problems, in brief: Okay...I was sexually assaulted when I was eight years old. This has had incredible ramifications, such as the development of my incredibly bad O.C.D, some aspects of my paranoia and some stuff that I probably don't even know. Add to this that at school I am in general very disliked by my peers; even my friends, the people who are nicest too me make fun of my eccentric behavior. Alas, I know I share this problem with many. My O.C.D. is rather bad, also- last year, when I was fourteen, I would obsess about the things that worry me so much that I ended up having a panic attack about once a day. I've managed to get it under control, but it is still rather bad. Finally, I'm a closeted gay guy with no idea how my parents will react.

My particular problems: These mostly concern my family members...so I shall divide it as such.

Mum: My mother is slowly dieing. She has a disease that people under the age of fifty cannot get, and it is rare to see it in under 70 year olds...she got it when she was thirty five. It is an offshoot of rheumatoid arthritis, mainly affecting the hips and the shoulders. The only thing that compares to it in levels of pain is cancer, which only slightly beats it. Now, this disease forces my mother to take many, many drugs- prednazone, morphine, plenty. Now, this has the effect of wasting away her bones, drastically inflaming her diabetes and so forth, to the extent that she can crack a rib by coughing. All in all, I doubt she'll live to see me turn twenty.

Dad: My father is bipolar. This means that he lives his life in a period of ups and downs, not sleeping or eating in his ups because hey, he's bulletproof! and spending weeks at a time in bed in his down periods. Now, his medication blunts the force of most of that, but it is still horrible to see him like that; he is affected by my mother's condition more strongly than anyone I know...apart from my mother, of course. I feel strongly for him, and I do not blame him in the slightest for the time he managed to drink the equivalent of 19 standard drinks and tell me how close he was to suicide.

My sister: My sister is also bipolar...and it seems that her down periods are just as bad as my father's. However, when my dad is down, he only leaves me alone and just stays in his depressive state...my sister seems to have this fascination of making my life worse so she can feel better about her own. Still, I love her dearly and I was horrified when she attempted to commit suicide with a piece of broken glass in her room.



In a casual twist of fate, I happen to be the only member in my family not on drugs for depression.

Now, those are my problems, and I doubt that they compare to some of yours, but I feel it is an achievement to find the heart to be cheerful; this forum helps with that, my friends, while mean from time to time, do love me and so forth, which is an incredible boon. The contemplation that there are always people worse of than me is another factor- I may be poor because none of my family members can work, but I still have clothes and food, my parents may each live in horrible conditions, but at least they are still together and so forth.

I'd like to thank everyone here for helping in at least some ways to stave off what would have been my suicide...my life is bad, but it does not warrant a permanent solution to a problem that is in itself only temporary.

I hope that any and all problems you have end up working out for you...I feel strongly for everyone here, and I wish that you didn't have to live with the blight that I know you people live with.
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Timberwolf
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 7:12 pm    Post subject: Re: The Depression Thread Reply with quote

Shadow of the Sun wrote:


Now, I am no Bor

My general problems, in brief: Okay...I was sexually assaulted when I was eight years old. This has had incredible ramifications, such as the development of my incredibly bad O.C.D, some aspects of my paranoia and some stuff that I probably don't even know. Add to this that at school I am in general very disliked by my peers; even my friends, the people who are nicest too me make fun of my eccentric behavior. Alas, I know I share this problem with many. My O.C.D. is rather bad, also- last year, when I was fourteen, I would obsess about the things that worry me so much that I ended up having a panic attack about once a day. I've managed to get it under control, but it is still rather bad. Finally, I'm a closeted gay guy with no idea how my parents will react.

My particular problems: These mostly concern my family members...so I shall divide it as such.

Mum: My mother is slowly dieing.

Dad: My father is bipolar.

My sister: My sister is also bipolar.


Like you, I am no Bor. But I think I can at least offer you a bit of help.

First things first, you are you and, if Vael and Sophestemon will let me off breaking the board code of conduct just this once, fuck anyone who tries to tell you different. If your friends cannot see past your OCD habits, it's time for a change in priorites. Quality of friends matters old boy, not quantity. School is a rough time of life if your not in the cool set. That said, I highly doubt anyone here was either and we've come out of it with friends, good ones. So, if the system over in beer and surfboard land is similar to the one here in losing at cricket land, you'll be leaving school soon and going on to higher education where people miraculously grow up. It's scary. Just make sure you get out there, meet people and have fun and stick 'em in the eye.

About coming out of the closet to your parents. This is something I will never have to do, but as at least some form of teacher, I feel honour bound to say this. Examine it, make sure it's really who you are. Once you open your mouth and let words out, you cannot put them back in. If that is how you definately feel, then, for pity's sake, if your parents are as fragile as I think they are, don't tell them until you are over the age of consent. Which, if, again, you're like us, is 18.

About the rest of it. Fate has cast you as the one who must be strong for the family. This sucks. It is also the only situation you have and no one else is going to be able to step up and deal with it from the looks of things. Keep smiling is all I can say.

About me. I hate the fact I'm such a moral coward who can't sort himself out, can't get what he wants, is too proud to ask favours and is such a pushover. Yeah, I hate myself right now and until I fix this, I can't sort my life out. I only just had it fixed and through my own stupidity and laziness, broke it again. Damn, sometimes I'm surprised my friends still talk to me.
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Geomancer
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoowhee... Heavy issues here.

I'll share mine though, I'm not really shy about them.

I have a clinical anxiety and depression disorder, which is completely nixed by antidepressants. I take adderall for ADHD.

When I was born I was diagnosed with a form of fat metabolism disorder of which I am probably the only one to have. From it stemmed my Hypotonia, low muscle tone. This caused me to have rampant failures in my youth with anything regarding physical activity. It carried over in to all other parts of my life, I now have a fear of failing which completely keeps me from trying in other situations.

Hmm, what else. Oh right:

My middle school years where plagued by epilepsy which I discovered I had. Peti-Mal, not shaking just passing out. It wasn't as bad for me as it was for my parents. They would get called about once a week with news that I had had a seizure. They didn't know where or when I had had it. On the stairs causing me to fall down? Luckily not.


I know most of these are more medical then depression related, but all the medical shit gets me depressed, so its related.

I have a few good friends though, who carry me through the good and the bad, one of which is posts on this forum. Whew... Eeek, everyone knows my life story!
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, my friends are just as bad...we are all musicians, see. They leave me alone these days...ever since I almost managed to beat Michael to death with a sock full of rocks.
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NecroPaladin



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Christ, man, that's always hard to hear (read, whatever). You've mentioned that but never explained it. He must have done something terrible to irk you that far, and I figure it's worth mentioning.
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not really- I'm good at bottling up my anger, and as you can see from my situation, there happens to be a lot of it. He faceplanted me, and boom, I'm running after him with a sock full of rocks.

He simply put a crack in the dam.
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Geomancer
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How did you manage to have a sock full of rocks, if you don't mind me asking.

It seems to me he would have run away when you took off your sock and started putting rocks in it.
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He holds him with his skinny hand,
`There was a ship,' quoth he.
`Hold off ! unhand me, grey-beard loon !'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, he didn't realize until I started swinging...that the handy thing about corners. You can hide behind them.
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Geomancer
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh. Ok.
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Darkblade
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats brutal man, likely a bit excesive but it got the job done. Right?
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, when you have fifteen years of frustration trying to explode out, things generally are brutal.

I didn't hurt him, because he ran inside.


At least, unlike one of my friends, I haven't tried to kill a teacher with a hammer.
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Darkblade
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have dangerous friends. Mine are only dangers to themselves not usually others.
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Geomancer
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, its probably good that you didn't.

*Resists urge to whistle certain Beatles song*
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`There was a ship,' quoth he.
`Hold off ! unhand me, grey-beard loon !'
Eftsoons his hand dropt he.
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NecroPaladin



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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadow of the Sun wrote:
Well, when you have fifteen years of frustration trying to explode out, things generally are brutal.

I didn't hurt him, because he ran inside.


At least, unlike one of my friends, I haven't tried to kill a teacher with a hammer.


Odd coincidence. Not three weeks ago a school chum was arrested and sent to a psychiatric ward for assaulting a girl with a hammer and causing 40 seperate wounds, the worst being a splintered leg. People were amazed that she survived and is going to make a full recovery.
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, a lot of people I associate with need anger management.
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Baeleck
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 4:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow... you guys certainly have had it bad. I really feel for you. Makes anything I've experienced positively docile. The only advice I feel I can give is just to keep strong. If things bring you down, the people closest to you can also be brought down because of it. I'm specifically concerned about your position, Sunn, as you're whole family really do rely on you.

My life has been excellent to a degree. I am, first and foremost, physically healthy, with no serious illness or disease of any kind. My susceptibility to horrific ear infections as a young child wasn't pleasant, but I believe I'm over that now. At school, I have also always been an over-achiever, and an exemplary student (so my teachers say). Although I have few friends, the ones I do have are all amazingly supportive and great fun to be around. The fact I am hated by most others at school doesn't bother me in the slightest.

However, recently I've been going through a tough patch. Just over a month back, I received news that a good friend of the family had died after her car was found overturned in a ditch. That was after I'd been away for the weekend on a DofE expedition, and the fact I was exhausted didn't help. I didn't get any sleep that night.

It took a while to sink in for my family, but I noticed my mother was getting very upset very often. That worried me, as I'd never remembered seeing her cry until after this friend's death. My dad was also getting stressed out at work (trying to set up a whole department on your own takes a whole lot of effort), and this would hold obvious implications at home. I try to stay the right side of his temper.

My grandfather is also very ill, and we're not sure what is causing it. My grandmother can't look after him, as she has problems with her back and is rather immobile. So my dad, aunt and uncle keep having to visit him to help him out. That stresses my dad further, and I fear that I may not be able to see my grandfather for much longer.

My exams are also looming, and I've had tonnes of coursework to do. Normally, I wouldn't struggle, but the sheer amount I find hard to cope with. My short concentration span means I have to split it up into small chunks. That often means not being able to go to visit friends and the like. It's this combination of things that is draining my self-confidence (which I never had much of anyway), just when I need it most, and that depresses me more.

My friends all want to know what's wrong, but I find it so hard to talk about my problems to them. This degree of... detachment from you guys makes it easier to talk about. I appreciate that these difficulties of mine are not that severe, but it's dealt me a large blow considering the quality of the rest of my life before now.
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 5:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not the pillar of strength in my family.

That would be my mother.

As things go, I'm not particularly relied upon...I barely ever interact with my family, truth be told. I'm that introverted.
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wxdruid
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read and what people say makes me sad. I know that I'm probably older than most of you and I've lived through some of this type of thing. Although I won't go into it, it just brings up bad memories. Suffice it to say, sometimes Town and all the people in it, is what keeps me coming back. I've been in Town since Lykan was blowing up Sneak's Milk Bar before my birthday in 2006. Town is more than a year old and its my escape, the place where I come to find people who are similiar to myself (since I can't seem to find them in real life, meaning people I can see and touch). So there's my bit. I've found that sooner or later everything passes by, including people.
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Baeleck
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 7:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Reading what people say does make me sad, but it is often better to get things off your chest than keeping them bottled up inside. When I was younger, I used to never explain what was wrong to anyone. But when I did, I found that it helped, even if it was over the internet to people I've never met in person before.
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Obsidian Blade
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Christ. Reading this stuff makes me feel pretty horrible, because the things that I've gone through that I believe are tough are miniscule compared to everything else here.
I do have one thing to say to you, Sunn: A good friend's mother was diagnosed with brain cancer about seven years ago after she had a series of seizures. She had surgery and chemo and went through a horrible period where she was almost parapeligic and couldn't do anything for herself. The family, who had a teenage boy and two girls, tried to keep together. The guy, who was also a friend of mine, shut himself away for ages and wouldn't talk to anyone in his family, and it was awful to just watch them slowly come apart at the seams. I'm aware that this isn't an advice thread, but maybe you should try talking to your family more? My dad was hospitalized in a serious condition for a couple of months. It was so much easier to talk and cry with my family then it was to tell everyone to leave me alone.
Maybe it's just the way I deal with things, but I felt a lot better knowing there was some support coming from people I loved.
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We all keep to ourselves, really. My dad spends his time fixing computers, which is the only thing keeping a shotgun and his mouth having a conversation, my sister hates the rest of us and keeps to herself, and I spend my time either sleeping, reading, or here.

I'm the one that talks with Mum the most, really. I'm the most like her...we can deal with things better than the other two. In fact, mum is so good at dealing with stress mentally it takes it's toll on her body, which is why she is the way she is.

The love is there with all of us, it's just that we each keep to ourselves because we are trying not to burden the others.
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Obsidian Blade
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't really say anything about that. I'm sorry it has to be that way.

I've been feeling just generally depressed lately. It feels like nothing I do has an effect anywhere. I just feel empty, which is really strange because I'm leaving the country I've lived in for over half my life. I should be feeling excited, or sad, or angry at my parents, or something. But I don't. And I don't really care about that, either.
Maybe I'm anemic.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me start by saying I hate my parents. Especially my dad. Everything I do isn't good enough to him. My mom gets pissed off to easily and yells at me and sometimes hits me. When my dad gets angry he yells, turns red in the face and gets in mine. He's more of a verbal abuser than anything. They're causing constant stress and I'm starting to be able to deal with it less and less. It's drawing near scary point (suicide thoughts and such). I try and talk to them, but that doesn't help at all. I've talked to a counselor but she did nothing to help so I've stopped seeing her. I'm starting to wonder what's going to happen next and I'm scared. Really, truly scared.
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The Chilli God
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, right, Obsidian. If you're the same Obsidian that SotS was talking about elsewhere, then I've lived in that same country that you're leaving for my entire life.
As in, I've never left it. It's that beautiful of a country, and I'd understand your not-leaving-to-leave-it.
I've had that same 'shouldn't I be feeling something other than depressed' feeling before. I had it last year during Drama class, when the girls made all the decisions for us all the time for every single project (getting into fights with the Drama teacher happened to be their specialty), was the most recent time I've felt that.
It's almost like a mental 'passive resistance,' I think?


As for me in general, I'm probably lucky that I had my 'depression stage' years ago. Back between 6th and 9th grade, I would fly into a rage at the slightest provocation. My aim during these rages was never to hurt (I'm far too afraid of the law for that, and I'm not strong enough anyway), but just to make this great scene and scare the person what did the mean thing to me. Pretty scary, considering how I could screech back then as well, and you ain't seen crazy till you seen this 13-year-old running straight at you with white-clenched fists and screaming out some inhuman sound while usually spitting out of the mouth.
These rages (and the breakdowns that usually followed, a 'what have I done?!' kind of thing) ended up in me undergoing psychiatry and, later on, some counseling. I don't think it worked, since I only stopped frequent rages once the counseling stopped. Depression is a form of attention-seeking, I guess, and when they stopped the attention, I stopped my depression.
My rages still happen when people really push me over the edge, though they still end up with me being really depressed after, and so I've limited myself to just twice a year (used to be twice a month, I swear!).
Trying to avoid the cause of the rages (big-mouthed jackasses who either want to see me rage, or are just mean) has led me to avoid people in general. So now I'm some sort of social phobic.
And guess what? I'm good with that. I'm happy with that. Sure, it may not be a good thing to be introverted (and it may raise eyebrows when you openly declare that you aren't going to the school ball), but at least it's better than flying into a frenzy when you even suspect someone of insulting you.
Yay?
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Shadow of the Sun
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah yes. Being emotionally numb.

I've had that. You can't feel sad, but you don't feel happy, either.

There are worse things.


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