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Shadow of the Sun

The Depression Thread

Now, I know that we happen to have this thread on the old boards, however, I feel that on this board with it's smaller community the topic will itself go well used.

Now, I am no Bor, and I doubt that any of my problems are in any way as serious as you fine people's, but I feel that because I am starting this thread, I should put some up. Please do not hesitate in telling us your problems; while we cannot do much, explaining them takes some of the pain away.

Now, my problems run in two categories; the general and the particular.

My general problems, in brief: Okay...I was sexually assaulted when I was eight years old. This has had incredible ramifications, such as the development of my incredibly bad O.C.D, some aspects of my paranoia and some stuff that I probably don't even know. Add to this that at school I am in general very disliked by my peers; even my friends, the people who are nicest too me make fun of my eccentric behavior. Alas, I know I share this problem with many. My O.C.D. is rather bad, also- last year, when I was fourteen, I would obsess about the things that worry me so much that I ended up having a panic attack about once a day. I've managed to get it under control, but it is still rather bad. Finally, I'm a closeted gay guy with no idea how my parents will react.

My particular problems: These mostly concern my family members...so I shall divide it as such.

Mum: My mother is slowly dieing. She has a disease that people under the age of fifty cannot get, and it is rare to see it in under 70 year olds...she got it when she was thirty five. It is an offshoot of rheumatoid arthritis, mainly affecting the hips and the shoulders. The only thing that compares to it in levels of pain is cancer, which only slightly beats it. Now, this disease forces my mother to take many, many drugs- prednazone, morphine, plenty. Now, this has the effect of wasting away her bones, drastically inflaming her diabetes and so forth, to the extent that she can crack a rib by coughing. All in all, I doubt she'll live to see me turn twenty.

Dad: My father is bipolar. This means that he lives his life in a period of ups and downs, not sleeping or eating in his ups because hey, he's bulletproof! and spending weeks at a time in bed in his down periods. Now, his medication blunts the force of most of that, but it is still horrible to see him like that; he is affected by my mother's condition more strongly than anyone I know...apart from my mother, of course. I feel strongly for him, and I do not blame him in the slightest for the time he managed to drink the equivalent of 19 standard drinks and tell me how close he was to suicide.

My sister: My sister is also bipolar...and it seems that her down periods are just as bad as my father's. However, when my dad is down, he only leaves me alone and just stays in his depressive state...my sister seems to have this fascination of making my life worse so she can feel better about her own. Still, I love her dearly and I was horrified when she attempted to commit suicide with a piece of broken glass in her room.



In a casual twist of fate, I happen to be the only member in my family not on drugs for depression.

Now, those are my problems, and I doubt that they compare to some of yours, but I feel it is an achievement to find the heart to be cheerful; this forum helps with that, my friends, while mean from time to time, do love me and so forth, which is an incredible boon. The contemplation that there are always people worse of than me is another factor- I may be poor because none of my family members can work, but I still have clothes and food, my parents may each live in horrible conditions, but at least they are still together and so forth.

I'd like to thank everyone here for helping in at least some ways to stave off what would have been my suicide...my life is bad, but it does not warrant a permanent solution to a problem that is in itself only temporary.

I hope that any and all problems you have end up working out for you...I feel strongly for everyone here, and I wish that you didn't have to live with the blight that I know you people live with.
Timberwolf

Re: The Depression Thread

Shadow of the Sun wrote:


Now, I am no Bor

My general problems, in brief: Okay...I was sexually assaulted when I was eight years old. This has had incredible ramifications, such as the development of my incredibly bad O.C.D, some aspects of my paranoia and some stuff that I probably don't even know. Add to this that at school I am in general very disliked by my peers; even my friends, the people who are nicest too me make fun of my eccentric behavior. Alas, I know I share this problem with many. My O.C.D. is rather bad, also- last year, when I was fourteen, I would obsess about the things that worry me so much that I ended up having a panic attack about once a day. I've managed to get it under control, but it is still rather bad. Finally, I'm a closeted gay guy with no idea how my parents will react.

My particular problems: These mostly concern my family members...so I shall divide it as such.

Mum: My mother is slowly dieing.

Dad: My father is bipolar.

My sister: My sister is also bipolar.


Like you, I am no Bor. But I think I can at least offer you a bit of help.

First things first, you are you and, if Vael and Sophestemon will let me off breaking the board code of conduct just this once, fuck anyone who tries to tell you different. If your friends cannot see past your OCD habits, it's time for a change in priorites. Quality of friends matters old boy, not quantity. School is a rough time of life if your not in the cool set. That said, I highly doubt anyone here was either and we've come out of it with friends, good ones. So, if the system over in beer and surfboard land is similar to the one here in losing at cricket land, you'll be leaving school soon and going on to higher education where people miraculously grow up. It's scary. Just make sure you get out there, meet people and have fun and stick 'em in the eye.

About coming out of the closet to your parents. This is something I will never have to do, but as at least some form of teacher, I feel honour bound to say this. Examine it, make sure it's really who you are. Once you open your mouth and let words out, you cannot put them back in. If that is how you definately feel, then, for pity's sake, if your parents are as fragile as I think they are, don't tell them until you are over the age of consent. Which, if, again, you're like us, is 18.

About the rest of it. Fate has cast you as the one who must be strong for the family. This sucks. It is also the only situation you have and no one else is going to be able to step up and deal with it from the looks of things. Keep smiling is all I can say.

About me. I hate the fact I'm such a moral coward who can't sort himself out, can't get what he wants, is too proud to ask favours and is such a pushover. Yeah, I hate myself right now and until I fix this, I can't sort my life out. I only just had it fixed and through my own stupidity and laziness, broke it again. Damn, sometimes I'm surprised my friends still talk to me.
Geomancer

Whoowhee... Heavy issues here.

I'll share mine though, I'm not really shy about them.

I have a clinical anxiety and depression disorder, which is completely nixed by antidepressants. I take adderall for ADHD.

When I was born I was diagnosed with a form of fat metabolism disorder of which I am probably the only one to have. From it stemmed my Hypotonia, low muscle tone. This caused me to have rampant failures in my youth with anything regarding physical activity. It carried over in to all other parts of my life, I now have a fear of failing which completely keeps me from trying in other situations.

Hmm, what else. Oh right:

My middle school years where plagued by epilepsy which I discovered I had. Peti-Mal, not shaking just passing out. It wasn't as bad for me as it was for my parents. They would get called about once a week with news that I had had a seizure. They didn't know where or when I had had it. On the stairs causing me to fall down? Luckily not.


I know most of these are more medical then depression related, but all the medical shit gets me depressed, so its related.

I have a few good friends though, who carry me through the good and the bad, one of which is posts on this forum. Whew... Eeek, everyone knows my life story!
Shadow of the Sun

Oh, my friends are just as bad...we are all musicians, see. They leave me alone these days...ever since I almost managed to beat Michael to death with a sock full of rocks.
NecroPaladin

Christ, man, that's always hard to hear (read, whatever). You've mentioned that but never explained it. He must have done something terrible to irk you that far, and I figure it's worth mentioning.
Shadow of the Sun

Not really- I'm good at bottling up my anger, and as you can see from my situation, there happens to be a lot of it. He faceplanted me, and boom, I'm running after him with a sock full of rocks.

He simply put a crack in the dam.
Geomancer

How did you manage to have a sock full of rocks, if you don't mind me asking.

It seems to me he would have run away when you took off your sock and started putting rocks in it.
Shadow of the Sun

Well, he didn't realize until I started swinging...that the handy thing about corners. You can hide behind them.
Geomancer

Oh. Ok.
Darkblade

Thats brutal man, likely a bit excesive but it got the job done. Right?
Shadow of the Sun

Well, when you have fifteen years of frustration trying to explode out, things generally are brutal.

I didn't hurt him, because he ran inside.


At least, unlike one of my friends, I haven't tried to kill a teacher with a hammer.
Darkblade

You have dangerous friends. Mine are only dangers to themselves not usually others.
Geomancer

Yeah, its probably good that you didn't.

*Resists urge to whistle certain Beatles song*
NecroPaladin

Shadow of the Sun wrote:
Well, when you have fifteen years of frustration trying to explode out, things generally are brutal.

I didn't hurt him, because he ran inside.


At least, unlike one of my friends, I haven't tried to kill a teacher with a hammer.


Odd coincidence. Not three weeks ago a school chum was arrested and sent to a psychiatric ward for assaulting a girl with a hammer and causing 40 seperate wounds, the worst being a splintered leg. People were amazed that she survived and is going to make a full recovery.
Shadow of the Sun

Yes, a lot of people I associate with need anger management.
Baeleck

Wow... you guys certainly have had it bad. I really feel for you. Makes anything I've experienced positively docile. The only advice I feel I can give is just to keep strong. If things bring you down, the people closest to you can also be brought down because of it. I'm specifically concerned about your position, Sunn, as you're whole family really do rely on you.

My life has been excellent to a degree. I am, first and foremost, physically healthy, with no serious illness or disease of any kind. My susceptibility to horrific ear infections as a young child wasn't pleasant, but I believe I'm over that now. At school, I have also always been an over-achiever, and an exemplary student (so my teachers say). Although I have few friends, the ones I do have are all amazingly supportive and great fun to be around. The fact I am hated by most others at school doesn't bother me in the slightest.

However, recently I've been going through a tough patch. Just over a month back, I received news that a good friend of the family had died after her car was found overturned in a ditch. That was after I'd been away for the weekend on a DofE expedition, and the fact I was exhausted didn't help. I didn't get any sleep that night.

It took a while to sink in for my family, but I noticed my mother was getting very upset very often. That worried me, as I'd never remembered seeing her cry until after this friend's death. My dad was also getting stressed out at work (trying to set up a whole department on your own takes a whole lot of effort), and this would hold obvious implications at home. I try to stay the right side of his temper.

My grandfather is also very ill, and we're not sure what is causing it. My grandmother can't look after him, as she has problems with her back and is rather immobile. So my dad, aunt and uncle keep having to visit him to help him out. That stresses my dad further, and I fear that I may not be able to see my grandfather for much longer.

My exams are also looming, and I've had tonnes of coursework to do. Normally, I wouldn't struggle, but the sheer amount I find hard to cope with. My short concentration span means I have to split it up into small chunks. That often means not being able to go to visit friends and the like. It's this combination of things that is draining my self-confidence (which I never had much of anyway), just when I need it most, and that depresses me more.

My friends all want to know what's wrong, but I find it so hard to talk about my problems to them. This degree of... detachment from you guys makes it easier to talk about. I appreciate that these difficulties of mine are not that severe, but it's dealt me a large blow considering the quality of the rest of my life before now.
Shadow of the Sun

I'm not the pillar of strength in my family.

That would be my mother.

As things go, I'm not particularly relied upon...I barely ever interact with my family, truth be told. I'm that introverted.
wxdruid

I read and what people say makes me sad. I know that I'm probably older than most of you and I've lived through some of this type of thing. Although I won't go into it, it just brings up bad memories. Suffice it to say, sometimes Town and all the people in it, is what keeps me coming back. I've been in Town since Lykan was blowing up Sneak's Milk Bar before my birthday in 2006. Town is more than a year old and its my escape, the place where I come to find people who are similiar to myself (since I can't seem to find them in real life, meaning people I can see and touch). So there's my bit. I've found that sooner or later everything passes by, including people.
Baeleck

Reading what people say does make me sad, but it is often better to get things off your chest than keeping them bottled up inside. When I was younger, I used to never explain what was wrong to anyone. But when I did, I found that it helped, even if it was over the internet to people I've never met in person before.
Obsidian Blade

Christ. Reading this stuff makes me feel pretty horrible, because the things that I've gone through that I believe are tough are miniscule compared to everything else here.
I do have one thing to say to you, Sunn: A good friend's mother was diagnosed with brain cancer about seven years ago after she had a series of seizures. She had surgery and chemo and went through a horrible period where she was almost parapeligic and couldn't do anything for herself. The family, who had a teenage boy and two girls, tried to keep together. The guy, who was also a friend of mine, shut himself away for ages and wouldn't talk to anyone in his family, and it was awful to just watch them slowly come apart at the seams. I'm aware that this isn't an advice thread, but maybe you should try talking to your family more? My dad was hospitalized in a serious condition for a couple of months. It was so much easier to talk and cry with my family then it was to tell everyone to leave me alone.
Maybe it's just the way I deal with things, but I felt a lot better knowing there was some support coming from people I loved.
Shadow of the Sun

We all keep to ourselves, really. My dad spends his time fixing computers, which is the only thing keeping a shotgun and his mouth having a conversation, my sister hates the rest of us and keeps to herself, and I spend my time either sleeping, reading, or here.

I'm the one that talks with Mum the most, really. I'm the most like her...we can deal with things better than the other two. In fact, mum is so good at dealing with stress mentally it takes it's toll on her body, which is why she is the way she is.

The love is there with all of us, it's just that we each keep to ourselves because we are trying not to burden the others.
Obsidian Blade

I can't really say anything about that. I'm sorry it has to be that way.

I've been feeling just generally depressed lately. It feels like nothing I do has an effect anywhere. I just feel empty, which is really strange because I'm leaving the country I've lived in for over half my life. I should be feeling excited, or sad, or angry at my parents, or something. But I don't. And I don't really care about that, either.
Maybe I'm anemic.
Uberblah

Let me start by saying I hate my parents. Especially my dad. Everything I do isn't good enough to him. My mom gets pissed off to easily and yells at me and sometimes hits me. When my dad gets angry he yells, turns red in the face and gets in mine. He's more of a verbal abuser than anything. They're causing constant stress and I'm starting to be able to deal with it less and less. It's drawing near scary point (suicide thoughts and such). I try and talk to them, but that doesn't help at all. I've talked to a counselor but she did nothing to help so I've stopped seeing her. I'm starting to wonder what's going to happen next and I'm scared. Really, truly scared.
The Chilli God

Oh, right, Obsidian. If you're the same Obsidian that SotS was talking about elsewhere, then I've lived in that same country that you're leaving for my entire life.
As in, I've never left it. It's that beautiful of a country, and I'd understand your not-leaving-to-leave-it.
I've had that same 'shouldn't I be feeling something other than depressed' feeling before. I had it last year during Drama class, when the girls made all the decisions for us all the time for every single project (getting into fights with the Drama teacher happened to be their specialty), was the most recent time I've felt that.
It's almost like a mental 'passive resistance,' I think?


As for me in general, I'm probably lucky that I had my 'depression stage' years ago. Back between 6th and 9th grade, I would fly into a rage at the slightest provocation. My aim during these rages was never to hurt (I'm far too afraid of the law for that, and I'm not strong enough anyway), but just to make this great scene and scare the person what did the mean thing to me. Pretty scary, considering how I could screech back then as well, and you ain't seen crazy till you seen this 13-year-old running straight at you with white-clenched fists and screaming out some inhuman sound while usually spitting out of the mouth.
These rages (and the breakdowns that usually followed, a 'what have I done?!' kind of thing) ended up in me undergoing psychiatry and, later on, some counseling. I don't think it worked, since I only stopped frequent rages once the counseling stopped. Depression is a form of attention-seeking, I guess, and when they stopped the attention, I stopped my depression.
My rages still happen when people really push me over the edge, though they still end up with me being really depressed after, and so I've limited myself to just twice a year (used to be twice a month, I swear!).
Trying to avoid the cause of the rages (big-mouthed jackasses who either want to see me rage, or are just mean) has led me to avoid people in general. So now I'm some sort of social phobic.
And guess what? I'm good with that. I'm happy with that. Sure, it may not be a good thing to be introverted (and it may raise eyebrows when you openly declare that you aren't going to the school ball), but at least it's better than flying into a frenzy when you even suspect someone of insulting you.
Yay?
Shadow of the Sun

Ah yes. Being emotionally numb.

I've had that. You can't feel sad, but you don't feel happy, either.

There are worse things.
wxdruid

There are times when I wish I was a Vulcan. It would make it all so much easier (I think).
Shadow of the Sun

It would make most things rather boring, though.
wxdruid

It would be boring, but it wouldn't change, I would be able to settle into a rythm, have things the same and not worry about what will happen next.
Shadow of the Sun

I'd suck as a vulcan.

I'm far too random.
wxdruid

I've been told I'm far to much like one. I crave things to be the same, to watch the same tv shows (when I remember they are on). I walk around with neither a smile nor a frown. People like to try and get me to smile..... The best way for that, is give me chocolate (and good chocolate). I like my days to be almost the same, I like to eat at all the same places. I can eat at Taco Bell every day and still go back for more. I like a set routine with small changes. When I move somewhere new...I very slowly expand my circle of knowing where different things are. I'm talking in terms of, I might not leave the base surroundings for a month before I go and look around outside of that. I don't care if I meet my neighbors, I let Kendra do all the meeting and greeting, she is outgoing, I'm not. But it's time for me to get ready for work. (and yes, the routine thing must be genetic because my father and sister are the same way).
Wukei

*looks around to make sure SHEs not in Iraq*

Oh good....for a moment there, I was wondering if I had split personalities and was posting as wxdruid.

Or maybe I do, and my other personality just THINKS it's in Iraq. Of course, I'm not sure our personalities would be exactly the same then.

But a person that's crazy doesn't know they're crazy...so I may still be crazy.
wxdruid

I already know I'm crazy.
Wukei




Einstein died today. He was my favourite guinea pig. I actually hadn't liked him at first. He acted like an idiot. That's why I named him Einstein. But after his girl died we got attached to one another.

Einie had a chronic lung problem where I'd have to give him benadryl. At first, he'd hate taking it, and would bite his toes then complain that someone was biting them, and continue this until I finally managed to stuff the benadryl into his mouth.

After a while he started to like the benadryl (he preferred benadryl to the equate equivalent). When I'd get him out and set him on the bed he'd sneeze and rub his nose until I gave him his medication.
wxdruid

My condolences Wukei, I know how it is to lose a beloved pet.
Baeleck

I've never had a pet pet (dad is allergic to fluffy animals; we've had our fair share of insects and fish), so I wouldn't know exactly how you're feeling, but I think I can empathise with you. My sincere apologies.
Wukei

Thanks for the well-wishes, guys.

Baeleck, have you ever thought about a lizard or a turtle, frog? Something reptilian or amphibian. Or avian, actually.
Baeleck

Yeah, my dad wants to get a chameleon, but they're expensive and hard to look after. Besides, he's into fish and insects more. You should see some of the exotic species he comes home with on some days. Really beautiful, albeit short-lived. Butterflies and moths tend not to live for long.
Moozy

Baeleck wrote:
Yeah, my dad wants to get a chameleon, but they're expensive and hard to look after.

Yeah, I mean, whenever you look after them, they've already blended in with their environment. Wink
Baeleck

Not exactly what I meant, Moozy Razz. No, I mean the ambient temperature has to be exactly right (as in, not even a degree above or below), as well as feeding it every two hours. That means getting up in the dead of night.
J. Muller

Chameleons can be cool, though. They're fun to watch as they crawl around because they have no depth perception--so they end up reaching out for things that are too far away and then going through a whole process of shifting their grip until they can reach it.



Sorry to hear that, Wukei. Losing a pet always sucks...
The Chilli God

At least you knew your pet.
The only pet (aside from the 10 cats around the neighbors that are all scared to death of me) that we've ever had was a cat called Smudge. Found 'em lost and crying outside a fish'n'chip chop.
Died when I was 3 years old, and I don't think I had a good memory back then.

Keep those memories with you Wukei, because there are others that don't even have some.
Wukei

Trust me, I remember every pet that was ever close to me. My poodle, Pooh, was my first Christmas present that I remember. He was a toy poodle. My sister hated him and beat him constantly. I absolutely adored him. He died around the same time as my grandmother.

You know, I really haven't had too many personal pets...just family pets...I really cried for quite a while after Einie died this morning, though...and I don't even cry at the deaths of humans I know. (The one exception was my grandfather.)
Nevrmore

I think my cat Maxy is dead. She never strays too far from the yard for more than a few hours, but she's been missing for about three days now. Sad
Xaspian

Our dog, Clara, escaped several weeks ago. Still no sign of her, despite lots of signs and other stuff up...

And for some reason I'm not that upset about it. I'm more annoyed by people around our town asking me 'Have you found her yet?' than I am sad that she's gone. That's kinda depressing...

Ack. Stuff sucks.
The Herald

Nevrmore wrote:
I think my cat Maxy is dead. She never strays too far from the yard for more than a few hours, but she's been missing for about three days now. Sad


Crying or Very sad
Nevrmore

Lord Iames Osari wrote:
Nevrmore wrote:
I think my cat Maxy is dead. She never strays too far from the yard for more than a few hours, but she's been missing for about three days now. Sad


Crying or Very sad

Crying or Very sad
Shadow of the Sun

*hugs Nevrmore*
Nevrmore

Sigh...still missing.
Timberwolf

Sorry to hear that Nevrmore. I hope she's ok.

In other news...

Need A Smoke.

BADLY.

*Scratches out eyes in nicotine withdrawal*

Never, never start kids. I've been good for weeks but I'm starting to feel the pinch. I will be strong, strong I say.

Edit. I'm also off for a contact lens checkup in about 10 mins. I always get depressed about these because I never know when it's all going to finally go pearshaped and the bullet I've dodged for 20 years finally catches up with me.
Nevrmore

When my last cat Tiger died, he went under the crawlspace underneath a stack of logs we keep for when we need to start a fire, which is where he was born. It was also raining quite badly that day, just as it was the day I noticed Maxy was missing (When it rained badly she would lay on the windowsill where she was protected by the porch roof).

I wonder if maybe Maxy went to seek out her birthplace to die peacefully like Tiger...
Nevrmore

Goody, I've lost 20 pounds and I don't know where they went, which just meshes so well with the fact that I've been getting tired throughout the day and peeing a lot lately...
Lykan

Hyperthyroidism?
Nevrmore

Lykan wrote:
Hyperthyroidism?

After thinking about it, I think it's probably just from me becoming more active. Probably nothing to worry about.
Nevrmore

tjkjfgdhrghdjnxghrog

I feel like a jackass again.
The Chilli God

Well, you certainly don't look like one.

Not to mention that you're recognizing this jackassery, regardless of whether it's real or imagined. And that's the first step to recovery. Very Happy
Vael

Has anyone ever wondered what I'm really like (if you didn't think you knew me already)? Who this guy was who sits here being lazy and generally apathetic, but also crazily active on the forums?
Well, I suppose you're going to find out.

Late, late monday night (in fact, it was probably Tuesday morning) I had a mental breakdown. I just had sort of mental revelation- which is a good thing- but it also tore most everything I thought I had understood and knew apart.
I'll start off with the simpler, nicer one.

You know the little classic fantasy where the knight goes in and slays a dragon, gets the princess and everyone is happy? Or perhaps, you know the 'more realistic' version, as I think of it, where there is simply someone in need of help, and [insert person here] helps them and it generally turns out well, and everything has a good ending?
Well, I've always liked those kind of dreams and stories. They just have this nice feel to them, you know? I've always liked helping people and always sort of wanted to be a rescuer.
But I've started looking at the way I do things, the way I live, and I finally came to a sort of realization. I don't want to help people like that. Well, I mean, I do- it's nice and all, and I'd love feeling like I helped people... I care and sympathize-
But in the dream? I don't want to be the hero. I want to be the one who is rescued.
Sort of silly, isn't it? To dream about being rescued, even though there really aren't any problems? But it's the way I am. I want to feel like there is some sort of angel, or hero just for me, ready to protect and love me.
This is all nice, but it sort of leads into and helps explain another part of what I realized. It's harder for me to talk about, and honestly I don't know if I'll even get through and post it.

It's the man's role, to be a hero, isn't it? That's the classic tale, the one you always hear, how people instantly think and conceive it. Today, with all the equal rights and that sort of thing going on, it's frowned on to hold stereotypes and the like, but I've always thought that there was a little something to them anyways. Yeah, it isn't always the truth- people can defy their stereotypes and be something different, but... in general...
But the point I'm trying to make here, and avoiding, is that I'm not sure I've ever been comfortable being a guy. I've lived it. It is who I am...
But honestly? I hardly think half as many people have looked into gender reassignment as me. I passed it off as curiosity, as impulsive and random interest, but it wasn't the truth, and I knew it.
Maybe I'm just confused. Maybe I'm not. But I've always had a sneaking suspicion that it is why I preferred female characters, why I chose to pretend to be Verdandi rather than a fake male player. I'm not comfortable as a man.
Of course, that brings into account a whole different question. (at least in my mind). Does this change my sexual preference?
I'm not sure about that, though I don't think that I'd ever lose my interest in women. Of course, as I've learned, things aren't clear cut. Maybe I'm bisexual, maybe I'm somewhere between that and heterosexual (if you can call it that, with me thinking I want to be a woman and all).
As a man, I don't think I'd ever accept myself being in a relationship with a guy. I don't think I could be that way.
As a woman... I don't know. I believe I probably could. My main objection with homosexuality for me has always been 'nothing is going up my ass' and honestly, that's one of the only things to it.
My roleplaying, interestingly, has reflected this even before I came to the conclusion myself.
Maybe this doesn't seem extremely disconcerting and bad to realize to most people yet (though I'm sure some people would think it a bit overwhelming). I think I'll clarify my situation and help you out.

I am in an old school home.
We're white. We're Christian. My father works, my mother stays at home. I am one of two children.
We were taught torespect our elders, we try to be polite, I was punished for doing wrong, and praised for doing things right. It was, generally, a well balanced and loving home.
Of course, the Christian beliefs is where things start messing up.
I was taught that anything other than heterosexual relations are sinful, wrong, and will land you a place in hell. The end. Yay (not).
I believed the same thing, for most of my life. Until recently. About the time I started getting into the forums, and getting into college... I started questioning that.
I wasn't comfortable with the idea of "deviant" sexual preferences. As for me? I certainly wasn't anything other than a normal, heterosexual guy.
Heh. Guess all that writing above proves me wrong, hm? Well, hindsight is 20/20, or maybe 20/10.
But as I started learning more and more, and thinking more and more about it... I started realizing just how okay I was with it. Maybe a wee bit more than "okay" with it.
People I've met recently who aren't hetero are lucky. Very lucky. You barely missed the part of my life where I would preach and rant at you, and believe you some kind of sinful, terrible heathen who should be put to death. I seriously believed and even said that those of sexual deviations should be stoned like the Old Testament stated they should.
I feel like such an ass for even thinking that at one point. But the problem is... it wasn't just me who thought like that. Maybe people aren't as extreme, or as violent and radical as I was, but I'm surrounded by people who think the same way.
It's a deviation. A sin. Something wrong. Corrupt.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone around me with what I think now. I'm afraid I'll be rejected, and cursed, and hated, and lose any of the friends I have. Even if they don't really openly rebel, they'll be extremely unnerved and uneasy. They'll whisper quietly, and 'forget' me. I'll just be some kind of outcast.

Did I ever mention that part of my personality to anyone? It's not something I admit, even to myself. I'm afraid. Deathly afraid of people not accepting me, or thinking that I'm some kind of aberration. I feel like I struggle with it so much- people barely talking to me, or seeming uncomfortable in my presence. Me being an idiot and making a fool of myself. Scaring people away.
I've found ways to help myself deal with it, but... still. It's there. It's why this recent revelation is something that frightens me so much. I believe I know who I am, and what I am, and that's a good thing.
But now I'm afraid that no one else will understand and accept it. That if I tell them, they'll turn away, or be disgusted and freaked out. The worst part of it all is that, unlike so many other scenarios, I know this is true to an extent. I know the people around me. I've made reasons up for me to be scared and unaccepted before, there have been little things- I can deal with them. But this? I know how some people around here will react. It's scary.
My father, for instance. Some of you have heard this, but I think it'll give others a good view.
He's a very nice guy. We've never really had a good relationship, and he feels bad and gets depressed it about it a lot. He's always been kind to my mother, and worked much harder than most people ever really should. He's shouted before, he and my mother have had arguments, but the only person to ever hit my mother has been my brother.
Of course, that was because she scared the ever living shit out of him. I think he thought she was a zombie or something. He apologized profusely afterwards, and I think she learned her lesson about purposefully trying to scare him.
Anywho, back on topic.
My father is a great guy.
He also happens to be intensely, stubbornly, I'd even go so far as to say defiantly religious. He has the mindset of a battering ram, or perhaps a battleship. He is right, he is right, you have no say (he'll interrupt and override you if you argue too much, and get in your face if you try to get a word in edgewise, and heavens forbid you interrupt him), and if you disagree then God have mercy on you, because he won't.
There are some things, however, that he is so set against that I am deathly afraid to ever bring up.
Like, say, Islam.
He thinks we should kill all Muslims. Not just the ones over in the eastern countries that are giving America trouble, not just the radical ones who believe the USA is full of evil white devils, and by killing them you guarantee yourself a blessed afterlife, but even the ones who are peaceful, the ones who think their fellows are wrong.
His stance on "deviant" sexuality isn't that bad... but... yeah. I think you get the point- why I wouldn't want to bring it up, or even admit it in front of him.

But even on this forum, I'm scared as hell to post this. I know plenty of you will understand, and try and help me through... but I've never expressed that I was like this. You didn't know.
What if it freaks out those of you I've made friendships with? Can you accept that I am this way, this different than I ever told any of you?
How can I know?
I'm afraid to find out.

But the revelation goes on.

I was rather traumatized and overwhelmed when all of this (even though I had considered and thought about tons of it for a while) just came crashing down on me at one time. It was startling, scaring, depressing... I didn't want to do anything.
Those of you who talked to me on Tuesday knew how I was. I stayed locked up in my work office the whole day until I came home. I didn't go to any of my classes, or even show anyone that I present.
Unfortunately, this meant my third absence in my Greek course.
I can only have three.
But I'm still traumatized today. I wouldn't be able to work, to go their and sit around, listening and translating and taking quizzes over Greek. I'd break down. I'm rather fragile right now, and that course puts surprising pressure on you.
But if I don't go...
I fail.
And I've done horribly in college. If I fail Greek, then pretty much I should wave the white flag and give up. I never wanted to go to college, I've thought about dropping out countless times.
Now? I'm probably going to have to call it quits. Maybe it is for the best- I've always enjoyed work more than school (as odd as it may seem). It seems more coherent, more focused, more meaningful. There is something to do, and I do it.
But it isn't nice to have the situation forced on you.
Go or lose.
Especially when, all my life, it has been insinuated that, if I don't go to college, my life will be hard, and infuriating, and I'll survive paycheck to paycheck, even if I do survive.
Go or lose.
That's really all I've learned. "Go or lose." Despite knowing what I want (simplicity, a job, a schedule, and the ability to live comfortably), I am unsure if I can do that. I've been taught, trained, that if I don't go to college, I'll somehow end up in a hole, homeless, penniless, and pitiful. I don't want that, but I don't want to go to college. I can't- I hate it, I always have, and I know I like working more.
Avoidance - Avoidance, I believe the situation is called. Even though one side is more appealing to me, I've been trained that it isn't really appealing at all. You choose to work, and not go to college? You lose.

Think I have enough to deal with?
The revelation goes on.

I believe I mentioned that I have a Christian family. I've been raised a Christian, told I am a Christian, and have believed that for some time.
I've always been very interested in religion. Most of you know that my intended major is (probably "was") Classics. I've learned Native American myths, have a wealth of knowledge of Greek and Roman, and have fallen in love with the Nordic mythos. I've even dabbled a little in some Hindu and Egyptian tales and beliefs.
Having looked at them all, and compared them, I'm not sure I can, in truth, call myself a Christian. I've denied fair bits of my faith, and I've gone over them time and time again, refining what I believe...
But... while I believe there is truth behind the Bible, and many of their practices and ideas are good and helpful things... I'm far more inclined to be an atheist. I don't believe everything in the Bible. I don't have the faith like others do, and frankly I've discarded too many other religions for the same reason. How can I not discard my own, when I come to realize that, for the reasons I don't accept the others, it is just as illogical and unacceptable?
So yay, I've figured out my beliefs, right?
Remember what I said about my father, and about me being afraid of people not accepting me?
My father would be confused, hurt, depressed (though people would view him has angry, most likely). He'd preach at me, rant at me, try and bring me back to the 'truth.' Then, when he undoubtedly would fail, he'd probably blame and hurt himself for failing to be a good father. He already blames himself for that, I know he does. My mother has told me about him crying and agonizing over that. So I have to choose. Do I live a lie? Do I keep hiding all of this and wait for me to burst?

Do I upset and practically alienate my parents by denying everything they've taught me?
Do I accidentally distance myself from all my friends as they realize that most everything they assumed about me is a lie?
I don't know. I can't decide what to do, I have no idea how to deal with any of this, all of these lies that I've been deluding myself and everyone else with. I can't accept it, because of my fears of everyone turning me into an outcast, but I can't deny it, or I'll go hysterical and depressed like this again. I can't bottle this up and thrust it aside again. I know I can't.
It's like the school situation. Go or lose. I can't choose either way without losing something.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what will happen.
I'm scared. Of rejection. Of the future. Of myself.
But I'm not sure if I can- or should- avoid anything any longer.
But I don't know what to do.
I know none of you have a miracle cure, or are anywhere near me in real life, but... something just said I should post here.
So here it is.
This is who I am, even if I don't want to admit it.
Exachix

This is probably totally wrong for me to post, but I have some... 'weird' views myself.

Stephen, Vael, Earin, whoever you might be. We are all here to support you in what you want to do. We are all friends here. We may fight and squabble over what others do, but we will all, eventually, forgive and forget. Continuing with our freindship. Vael, you should have had no fear for posting that. We will all help you.
That's not just to Vael, but to everyone; Baeleck, Kyrian, Iames, whoever you may be on these forums.

Vael, you can do anything you want to do. The Road may be hard, but the rewards are plentiful (it sounds like I've heard that from somewhere...)

And yes I did, and do, wonder what everyone is like. But, partially, I don't care.
That sounds harsh. but true. I don't care what you are like out of my sphere of influence(d) (which, for most, are these forums). I only care that you are well, and happy. So long as people are happy, in their own way, without hurting others, then I will be happy. If that conflicts, then a solution must be found.

So, Ultimately, Vael, I'm sure you can have what you want, and be happy, as well as ensuing the happiness of your friends. Whoever they may be. Here on the forums, in the real World, or even personally.

And I apologize if this post is all wrong, or makes people unhappy. Or even is the wrong thing to say.
atreyu_the_masked_llama

Hi Vael,
I wish I were at a place where I could sit down and write out a nice long response to your sharing that could help put your mind at ease about your troubles. Shock if nothing else we could discuss those moments when your brain connects some dots and makes a picture you didn't expect to see, but I am at work and so I really am not in a position to write such a post.

However I will say this.

*Wooly hugs*
Know that you have friends here and people who will happily support you should you need someone to lean on. If you need someone to talk to, you have my AIM and MSN screen names. ( That sounds more impersonal than it is. )
Moozy

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

A lot of thinking. About a few major things that I will, most likely, be doing more thinking about for the rest of my life.

Shut up and get to your point, Moozy.

Right, right. All I can say to Vael or whatever you wants to be called nowadays, is good luck in school and if you ever need a good laugh, strike up a chat with me over AIM. Most of the time I'll be able to squeeze the giggles outta ya, no matter how far I have to dig.
Orange Zergling

I'd say something, but knowing me, I'd probably make you feel worse.

So I'll just say that we're here for you, Vael. Good luck sorting this out.
Deadly

Unlike the Llama, I wish I could say something brief and uplifting, but I'm not good at that. I guess I'll just post something long and probably not very helpful, though I hope it will be. I hope I can be of some help, in any way.

I don't mind, and I'm convinced that there are many others who don't either. Or atleast, I have to believe that there are plenty of people in the world who will understand and accept such things, or at the very least accept. Even if I don't often have the courage to admit such things, like you just did.

I don't consider myself to be gay, or really that "deviant" in general. I've always been pretty certain about my sexual preference. But things change... or perhaps they are realised as other things develop and change. I can't help but note, for example, that where I used to find men, plainly put, revolting, that feeling has slowly faded to a point where I currently have to accept, that that isn't the case anymore. In fact, I will admit that I find some men attractive, I even dream about men from time to time now.

That's not to say that I now consider myself gay, or even bisexual. But it's a thing I've noticed, and maybe it will develop, maybe it wont. I can't quite claim that I dream of being a woman, but maybe there's some tendencies. Also, I too dream of being the one in need of help, being the "weak" one to be more precise. I always have, as far back as I can remember. It's a horrible stereotype, but the dream is fair enough, and probably not at all uncommon or strange.

But none of that is really such a shocking revelation for me. Atleast so far I haven't thought too much about it, I've just gradually become aware of it. What I consider a revelation is the fact that I have developed far more in the past two years, mentally, than in the 22 years that went before. I have made enormous decisions, and taken just as huge steps, in my life. I have a long way to go yet, but I have had many revelations and reached a much higher state of mind than before. It sounds almost religious I guess, but it is amazing. And I can't help but wonder, if some day I will realise that, yes, I am in fact gay. That is what feels most natural to me. Or maybe I won't discover that, maybe I will discover something entirely different or nothing at all.

The point I'm trying to make is, that I think what you've just revealed might simply be a sign that you're developing, moving forward and realising yourself. Denying it would be bad, as would accepting it as the final truth. I think the most important thing in life is to stay open and accepting, both of others but just as importantly of one self. Anything else inhibits growth and development and leaves you locked up and unchanging.

You're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you, Vael. Maybe some won't accept you, and that's a sad thing, but regarding your parents you might consider another possibility: Perhaps this is their chance to open up, accept and develop. I don't say it will go smoothly and that you'll all live happily ever after, often enough it doesn't go like that, we all know, but nothing changes on it's own initiative, it always requires something else to push it, to set it in motion.

Maybe, just maybe. It's always worth to consider.
Hoseki

I won't pretend to be an expert on these sorts of matters. In fact, I'm probably one of the last people who should be weighing in on this particular issue. But I'd like to do my best because I honestly care, even if I often have a frustrating time trying to express that properly. I'm going to try to keep this short, because I'll most likely make a complete fool of myself if I allow myself to ramble.

If anyone- ANYONE- thinks any less of Vael because he had the guts to just sit down and tell us something this frightening, they ought to be ashamed. Saying this to anyone, regardless of your previous relationship with them, requires an incredible amount of courage, certainly far more than I could ever muster. For that, Vael, I applaud you.

You have every ounce of sympathy in my body. Absolutely no one should have to deal with so many potentially disastrous, life-altering revelations in a lifetime, much less a few hours.

And if you need to talk, you have my screen name, too.
Darkblade

Vael I'm amazed you were brave enough to tell all of us that. I won't say I know how you feel or understand in the least. I've had my problems too and was unable to tell many people about them and when I did it turned out badly for me so anything I say may be entirely dismissed but if you want someone to talk too you have my MSN. Best wishes friend, I only wish I could do more.
McBish

Vael I have been trying to think of something supportive and helpful things to say since I read your post, and what I come up with just doesn't seem good enough.

I too have had dreams of being the "weak one" or the one that needs to be rescued. And even on occsion had thoughts about being a women. But what I went through doesn't really sound like what you are going through so I won't claim to understand compleatly though I think I have a small idea.

I also have given up on calling myself a Christian, though my family isn't strict at all in that regard and I am surronded by people that are also for the most part non-Christian, or at least supportive of that view.

And like everyone else here I am willing to talk if you need it.

That brings me to point something out. I am so proud to be a member of this community. I hope I am not hijacking this thread, but I feel the need to say that the fact that Vael felt comfortable enough here to say all this shows just how special this place is. I feel honored to be included in this community.
Destro Yersul

Daaaamn.

I've never been all that good at the whole talking to other people thing, but here goes:

That sounds like a really tough position to be in. I know I don't think any less of you, and it must have been really tough to put all that in writing. Hell, I probably couldn't have if it had been me.

Beliefs are weird, I guess. They can change, even if you were set in them for the longest time. Being different... what's normal, anyways? Who decides normal? People should have the freedom to choose, do whatever they want, be whoever they want. I think that's gradually starting to happen. I hope it is. Fear causes so many problems. Not fear of not being accepted, which stems from a larger problem; fear of things that aren't like you.

It's human nature, I think, to want to fit in. We're social animals. Which is why people who aren't like us are scary. Because we're afraid that maybe we're like that too, and we don't know it.

Curiosity is a bitch sometimes. You want to know, but you're scared to find out. If you already know the answer without asking the question, it's probably better not to ask. But if you don't know the answer, it might be best to find out. What we don't know can't hurt us, they say. I think they're wrong to a degree. It might not be able to hurt us, but we might not be able to rest till we know for sure.

I share your views on school. It seemed like it was pointless, just so much stuff that would never get used. If I'm going to learn useless shit, I'd rather do it on my time, when I felt like learning it. I'm working now, not really making enough to go off if I didn't still live at home. I think I could do it if I had two jobs, which would kinda suck, but there you are. I never planned on taking more school. I'm thinking about it now. You can survive on high school only. It'll be hard, but it can be done. Lots of people never got past high school and are doing fine. If you take a labour intensive job you can do it quite well. You know how much warehouse work pays? It's not easy, but you get payed good for it.

Religion. I have a lot to say on this subject. My Mom is christian, my Dad is an atheist. I think that's a good thing, best of both worlds. My stance is that, if there is a God, that's fine. If there isn't, that's fine too. I'd say that you don't have to live a lie, but you don't have to tell everyone either. If you know it would cause pain to tell your parents, maybe you shouldn't. But tell someone. History is full of people who denied what they were taught. Galileo said the Earth revolved around the sun. It was heresy, it was blasphemy... It was true.

I wish I could offer more than words. Some of that probably came out wrong, and I hope you get what I mean. All I'm really trying to say is this:

Stephen, I respect you for who you are. Whoever you want to be, that's cool by my book.
Castaras

...I was going to say something here, but everyone's put my thoughts way better than I ever could.

Vael, Stephen, I for one respect you greatly for saying this to us. While I probably won't be able to help much in any way other than just listening, you can always talk to me on Trillian.
Vael

I've been trying to think of how best to respond to you all, and I think I finally know what I want to say:

*Hug*
Exachix

*hugs back*
Kyrian

*hug*
Castaras

*hugs Vael back*
Exachix

Group hug!

*group hugs everyone*
Deadly

*biiiiig hug*
Timberwolf

Vael wrote:
It's a deviation. A sin. Something wrong. Corrupt.
I don't feel like I can trust anyone around me with what I think now. I'm afraid I'll be rejected, and cursed, and hated, and lose any of the friends I have. Even if they don't really openly rebel, they'll be extremely unnerved and uneasy. They'll whisper quietly, and 'forget' me. I'll just be some kind of outcast.

I was rather traumatized and overwhelmed when all of this (even though I had considered and thought about tons of it for a while) just came crashing down on me at one time. It was startling, scaring, depressing... I didn't want to do anything.

Those of you who talked to me on Tuesday knew how I was. I stayed locked up in my work office the whole day until I came home. I didn't go to any of my classes, or even show anyone that I present.
Unfortunately, this meant my third absence in my Greek course.
I can only have three.
But I'm still traumatized today. I wouldn't be able to work, to go their and sit around, listening and translating and taking quizzes over Greek. I'd break down. I'm rather fragile right now, and that course puts surprising pressure on you.
But if I don't go...
I fail.
And I've done horribly in college. If I fail Greek, then pretty much I should wave the white flag and give up. I never wanted to go to college, I've thought about dropping out countless times.
Now? I'm probably going to have to call it quits. Maybe it is for the best- I've always enjoyed work more than school (as odd as it may seem). It seems more coherent, more focused, more meaningful. There is something to do, and I do it.


*Sits down and lights Vael a fat Havana*

I just want to say how much I respect you putting your feelings and self on the line like this.

However, I see nothing for you to be afraid of.

I am a christian, straight (despite the girly PC's) and fairly right wing (although nowhere near to the extent that your father sounds, I just think we should be tougher on crime) and I can tell you that I can quite happily accept you for who you are. Your choices are your choices and are no one else's. Nobody has the right or privilidge to question them. Anyone who does, I suggest you meet with a hearty "Fuck You".

I realise this may not work with your family.

Right now, the time has come for quite possibly the greatest courage you will ever be called upon to display. Greater than anything I have had to display when I just wanted to curl into a ball and die because of the psycho teaching mentor from hell whining at me about everything down to what font I was using for my lesson plans. Simply put, your future is in your hands. That means that you have to get out there and make it happen. Gay, straight, atheist, christian, whatever you are, it will not help you to stay in your office and hide. Make your choice and live by it.

And raise the middle finger to any bastard who says otherwise.

If your friends reject you, get new ones who can accept you. If they can't then they're not worth your while.

If your family rejects you, well, This isn't one I've ever had to live with or deal with. However, I see it like this.

Don't tell them about anything you don't have to. Something big and unmissable like leaving uni ? Yes, that's kinda hard to keep quiet but For your other problems, I don't think you'd get that much support so simply don't do looking for it and find help somewhere else.

Your course ? I've done my time at university and I can tell you this, people get special dispensation, whatever, for a lot less than this. Go to the doctor, go to your Personal Tutor and talk to them. The doctor is legally obliged to keep whatever you say to him confidential, as per the Hippocratic Oath. I'm no expert on US law or Georgia law, but I believe that you are over the age of consent. That means that your PT has no business getting judgemental on you and your orientation is your business. (If that is not the case, ignore as needed) It is their job to advise you and right now, you need some advice on what to do about that urgently. Heck, your university should have someone you can talk to about your confusion as well

Now, as to the christiany bit, I'm going to spoiler my pitiful attempts at advising you on that. This is not my forte and my interpretations are seldom conventional or overly complex. Please no one derail this to argue the toss, PM me if you massively disagree sufficiently to argue.

Spoiler:


Ultimately, you were given free will to do what you like and you can't help but be what you are. God understands that or he wouldn't allow it. It is the nature of man to sin. therefore that great invevtion known as forgiveness happens. If you believe that Jesus is your saviour truly then it will be fine. Oh yeah, don't confuse religion and faith. Religion is what is causing the trouble in the Middle East, it's the mindless following of something because you know no better. Faith is the true belief in something that sometimes warps into religion.



*ahem, joins group hug*
wxdruid

*hug*
Moozy

*huggles*

This group hug must be like a buffet for the Almight Hug Overlord Ms E...
Darkblade

~slaps Mozzy for the uneeded comment~ and ~hugs~
Moozy

Not that she eats hugs. That would be... well, not all that weird, really. I sometimes eat my homework, or nibble on my friends' arms. Not a big deal. Razz

*giggle* Mozzy.
Hoseki

*Hug!*
Castaras

We seriously need a hugs thread.

*huggles people*
DeBunny

I can honestly see no way to voice my support without merely repeating what others have already said....
I'll just stick with a simple you've got my support, Vael. I'll think no less of you whichever little path you tread in life.

*tentatively squeezes into the hug pile*
Shadow of the Sun

Ahem...

*running, flying leap on top of the hug pile*
Moozy

Ow! Dave, that was my face!
Destro Yersul

*Joins group hug*
Wukei

I'm not really a huggy person...so *holds out hand for a good shake*
Fenric

*rather belated hugs*

I understand where you are coming from, Stephen... as I have been through quite a lot of that myself.

There are a few things I will add in...

Your thoughts and fears are worse than reality. People who are quite adamant and vocal about something in abstract almost always come down to earth fast when it is someone that they know and love.

The biggest issue for me ended up being the religious aspect. My family still has trouble with the idea that I am not a good little Christian boy anymore. I tried going along with them, I tried explaining things... The only positive thing I can say is that it does bother you less as time goes by.
atreyu_the_masked_llama

*Wooly embrace!*
Orange Zergling

If I am allowed to steal the spotlight from our admin for just a moment...

I'm kind of messed up right now. Today I've had a series of mini-breakdowns, on various subjects. But that isn't the point.

There's a friend of mine... let's call him Bob. Bob's been a friend for around 2 1/2 years now, and we share a lot of interests and have a lot of stuff in common. Although, Bob isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. His brother is extremely autistic, so I'd not be surprised if he has at least a small degree-mental disorder. But, once more, not the point. Basically, from square one, he's just sort of decided I was his friend. We met at a summer camp thingy, and didn't really interact, which is even weirder, it's like I was picked from a pot or something.

Bob and I keep seeing eachother, usually he's the organizer of things. I never really liked his company a whole lot, he's, to be honest, lazy, kind of filthy, and juvenile. I think his social skills just aren't really developed a whole lot, which may not entirely be his fault, but still. I've been sacrificing my time and energy to keep this friendship up, because I never had the courage to end it. But now? I'm thinking I might want to do that. I don't like him a whole lot, but for some reason he's really attached to me.

Now, I'm getting flashbacks of my brother. He only really had one friend growing up, lets call him Joe. Joe was nice, shared his interests well enough. But one day, when they were supposed to go trick or treating out together, he just never showed up. Next morning his mother said he went to a party instead, and it was over. It wasn't really that it ended, so much how it ended. It was a major blow to him, and he never really got any more friends until recently. Joe was an asshole, I'll give him that.

I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to be Joe. But I don't want to keep throwing away my time and resources keeping up a false friendship that I also get nothing out of emotionally. And yet, I couldn't do that to him. I just can't. I was born with an above average intelligence, at least enough to be considered gifted. All my life I've looked at my fellows of the average level and, as much as I absolutely despise being above other people, can't help but not like what I see. People who have undeveloped or average social skills always irritated me. A lot. Probably because I'd just been more exposed to people as a child. Ironic, given my generally sheepish nature.

Not intending to toot my own horn or anything here, but it needs to be said. I can't hurt people. I just can't. Emotionally or physically. I've always been considered 'weak' because of this. I don't really know what goes through my head when I chicken out of doing something like that. If I ever hurt someone unintentionally, I beat myself up over it. Sometimes literally. I don't know how he'd react to this, or how devastated he'd be that one of his 'inner circle' hasn't really liked him this whole time and was just playing along to not make him feel bad. So, I can't do it.

I don't care how pathetically minor this sounds to anybody else, it's pretty big scale to me. I just have absolutely no idea what to do... I keep having doubts that I'm happy being the way I am. I often find myself wishing I'd been dropped on my head as a baby or something and have been an average kid. An average, ankle-biting, loud, obnoxious, blissfully unaware kid...
Hoseki

Right.

I'm going to say this now, and it applies to anyone, be they Zergling, Vael, or anyone who's going through a difficult time in their lives and wants to talk to a professional about it.

There's a counselor at my school who seems to be acquainted with all manner of shrinks all across the US, each specializing in some obscure aspect of humanity's numerous potential issues. If one of his friends isn't in your particular area, I'm sure one of his friends-of-friends is.

Essentially, if anyone wanted, I'd put you in contact with him and he could, in turn, put you in contact with one of his colleagues. I've talked to him, and he is certainly willing to do this. Just PM or IM me and I'll give you his email.
Deadly

Wish I could offer any advice or something, OZ, but I suck at such situations myself. I just hope you find a good way to handle it, something that won't hurt him unnecessarily.
Wukei

I was in the same situation, OZ. (I'm a big fan of Wicked, so it's always fun to call you that, btw ^.^)

My friend was dumb. I think the only thing I liked about him was the way he ran. Because he was fast, but he ran like a penguin. ^.^

I tried to be nice, but I kept getting more and more mean to him. It was after he was dumb enough to sleep with a woman that had more sex partners than she had years of life that I finally said "If you want to be stupid, do it without my support." Yea, I took the mean way out, but at least I didn't just disappear on him. Honestly, he was psychologically not good for me. His idiocy irritated me so much that I got to be a person I didn't want to be.

Tell Bob that you really want to hang out with the group you've already formed (even if you don't have a said group.) Tell him that you don't feel comfortable deviating from your clique. It's best for both of you.
Orange Zergling

Thanks all, *hugs*. I'm a bit more mentally stable today, I think...

I'll try to gravitate towards that, Wukei. I'm not really sure it's something I can just bring up and discuss all of a sudden, even though that might be the less painful way to do it in the long run. I also think some time away from him might help, you'd think I was the only person he knew, or something.
Kyrian

*sigh* I might as well just type this out, Kalie's going to read it on here anyway, and I'd be going to her for help if it weren't for her involvement in this.

She's got a job. At a hotel. I'm proud of her for it, I really am. It's what she wants to do when she gets out of college.

She works Thursday night. 11pm - 1am. It took her almost an hour to finally get me ok with those hours.

I mean, I worry so much about her. I'm so scared about her being in college and all, and me being almost 100 miles away from her. If something happens, I'm stuck here, and unable to help her. She means everything to me.

Anyways, I just found out that she actually worked 11pm - 6am this past Thursday. Her first day at the job. She says she told me that, but I swear she hadn't. As far as I'd known, she worked the 2 hours I was told about.

We've been fighting about it for an hour by now? I've been blowing up left and right, and even got to a point where I called her and yelled, then hung up.

I'm so confused as to what to do right now. I love her with all my heart. I really do. But I couldn't live if something happened to her while I'm unable to be there with her. I'm so scared about all of this, and I just don't have anyone to talk to about it.


EDIT: And after talking to her a bit more, it's really more than just this. I'm really worried about her being at college. I'm scared some guy will try something, and I won't be there to do anything. I'm scared something's going to happen to us, and I blame all this distance for it.



I'm thinking of quiting college.

This thought comes from so many things. All of the above, for one. And two? All I've been doing here is screwing up. I've already screwed up my Creative Writing minor, and will have to retake that intro class. Which I found out earlier from a friend I may not be able to. And I'm on my third year with no clear major. I've no clue what I want to do.

Being here just feels like it's tearing me apart little by little. Sure, I love the campus, and enjoy the friends I have here, but there's no real motivation for me. i don't know what I'm even doing here anymore. Part of me feels like the only reason I even want to be here is because of the high speed connection to the Town. A place I can get away from everything.

Maybe this is why I fail at RPing. Because even though I want to get away from life, I still want to be me. I guess I hold on because I grow so strong through my characters, I try to make them me.

My life's falling apart in front of me, behind me, from all sides, and I'm so scared.
Deadly

For the love of... don't be like that, Kyrian. I once totally screwed up a long distance relationship in that exact way. I could easily go and blame her for everything, but the truth is that I acted like a paranoid idiot until she felt she couldn't go or do anything without me breathing down her neck. So in the end she ran off with someone else, without telling me. And that's, a bit simplified, how I ended up wasting years of my life in depression.

It's hard not to worry about those you care for, but don't let it consume you, or drag her down and keep her from doing what she wants. Let her know you're worried, and why, but keep it at that. You don't show a lot of trust in her, or respect for her wishes this way. It's a great way to ruin relationships of any kind.

Also, if you let your worry for her consume all your energy and focus, you'll end up neglecting everything else that might matter to you. Like college, perhaps. Maybe you just feel lost in college because all your energy is used up by this worry. I stopped studying for that exact reason, because all my time was spent staring at the phone, wondering what she was doing, if she was well and so on. That's not right, it's manic.

Don't let irrational fears destroy what you care for, it's not worth it. That's my friendly advice.
Geomancer

I don't have much of a real reason for depression besides today being 'just one of those days.'
Except today was more then one of those days. It was one of those days, plus being covered in paper cuts and dumped in vinegar. Then... Eaten alive.

All metaphorically of course.

Blech.
Timberwolf

Kyrian, here is the best I feel I can offer.

Only open the spoiler if you feel you are up to receiving honest and well meant criticism please.

Spoiler:


Mate, I'm going to put it on the line for you here. You had no business flying off the handle like that. Or at least not at your girlfriend. Now, you are both at university which means you are both doing what you can to get by. The fact that her employer took advantage of her 1st dayness to get her to work a full night shift is reprehensible, but it is not her fault. As to whether or not she told you, well, you trust her, don't you ? Simply put, you need to chill out some. So she worked an extra 5 hours ? The earth's still orbiting the sun so it can't be that important. Having an hour long ranting fight about something as trivial as that is not the way to run a railroad. Anyway, just relax, stop getting upset over small things and you'll be fine.



As to the distance issue, my friend, you can't control everything. You both made your choices in good faith and you are going to have to deal with them. Now, I don't know where you both are, and since I'm a Brit, it wouldn't mean much to me if you told me, but, your girlfriend has survived 2 years of university without being attacked or anything so presumably she isn't in a high crime area. Also, she's a bit of a looker IIRC so presumably has lots of experience fending off advances. Besides, you can't be with her 24 hours a day so even if you were Johnny On the Spot, short of becoming her permament shadow (which would piss anyone off) there's not actually all that much you can do to change that.

Yep, another spoiler, this time containing my amateur psychology attempt. Again, the contents come under the heading of "Not sugar coated"

Spoiler:


Basically, how much do you trust her ? Not in the faithfulness department, I'm taking that as read, but rather it sounds to me like you feel that she can't handle her life. You want to be there and be the strong, traditional man protecting the weaker woman. Well, I've got to tell you, you're out of date. Women make their own way in the world these days. Short of locking her in the basement, you're not going to be able to protect her from everything.



Now, quitting University.

I hear what you are saying and I see the darkest period in my life. AKA summer 04 to Christmas 05. I was unemployed, fat, unmotivated and useless. I was also scared witless. I had a 3rd rate degree and no idea of how to get a job and my savings were running out.

What changed it for me ?

Damn near getting in a fight with my housemate (I was an obnoxious housemate, I freely admit that, but he was as well) and getting evicted (which I never felt was quite fair because he didn't, I since found out that this was because the Landlord knew I was big enough to take it without flipping out). A good sharp shock put everything back into focus for me and I started to sort my life out. It took me a month. Within 6 months I was back to 14 stone and a valued member of staff at a major company.

You are in the 3rd year of your course, so you should know the drill by now. This is exactly the same as what I told Vael. If you are in trouble and don't know what to do, go and see the person who is meant to know University Policy, ie your Personal Tutor. If you are the proud posessor of an idiot in that role, go and see someone who isn't. It is their job to advise you. You're going to be having a meeting with them from the sound of it anyway, so it's best to do it on your terms and get corrective measures in early before they start making noises about coming back next year, at your own expense, of course and leaving you to cool your heels for a year. If that is what they say now, then at least you found out now and didn't waste any more time.

Keep the faith, don't be frightened, lighten up a bit, go and get arrested for being drunk in charge of a public monument and ring your girlfriend and tell her you're sorry.
Kyrian

I've been trying to sort this through my head on my own. And I can't. I know I've got academic advisors and whatnot on campus that are supposed to help me about this stuff, but I don't want to talk to them. I want to talk to someone that I know about this. Like Kalie. Or the people I've been coming to know over the past...well, year at the most. I can't just sit down and talk about this to someone that doesn't know me.

I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time by being here at Purdue. Obviously I've not been motivated enough to do a good job, and it's a surprise that I'm even still here right now. I really think that I need a semester off, take a break from the stress of college life, and to re-evaluate how my life is. Here, I'll even show you what I actually know about my life:

1) I love Kalie. With all my heart. I'm going to marry her.
2)

Yea, that's all that I'm certain of right now, and I think for the first time in forever, it scares me. I actually spent a good portion of today breaking down and crying because I don't think I've ever felt this lost before. It's like my eyes were finally opened, and all I can see is what a failure I am.

And it's because of that, I feel that maybe I need the next semester away from college. That I should drop out of Purdue and get a job. Start working full time starting next semester through summer break. Then transfer to IUPUI. I'd likely move in with Kalie then, and I do feel that with her actually there with me, I'd have more incentive to study and do my schoolwork. Not to mention actually going to class.

I think what I fear the most is, the realization that I may not be constantly returning to Purdue to graduate. That I've been returning here for the atmosphere. The friends I've made. The two brothers and two sisters I've met and looked up to for three years now. The high speed internet.

Even now, sitting here and typing this out, I find it hard to keep the tears back. There's so much here that I'll miss, but I don't know if I truly belong here anymore. I feel like I've got a family here. A family I think I'll miss more than anything.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if it's worth completing the rest of this semester.

All I know is I'm lost.
Moozy

*sniffle* I only wish I had a map for you, Kyrian, but I don't think I can really help you here. I hope you find Enupnion time when all of it is over, for sure.
Wukei

I lost someone that was like my brother...my dad's great dane, Yawgy.

His brother had to be put down a few months ago. But both were 11 years old, which is about three years older than a great dane's average lifespan was.
Kyrian

*hugs Wukei*
Orange Zergling

Aw, it's always sad to lose a pet. I'm sorry. Never lost a dog, myself, but we've lost rodents that were about as smart as a dog...

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