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Tales from the Table

For those of us involved in roleplaying games where you sit face-to-face with friends at the gaming table, many of us have had many a character slain, a valuable magic sword gained, and a lich vanquished.

Here, you may tell your tales from the table.

*sets up podium*

There was one time when we were fighting a special kind of troll that explodes when killed and has a bunch of matel grafted into it that becomes shrapnel.  As the only person in the group with a flaming weapon, my scout ran up and shot the first one downed one in the throat (coup de grace) and then, when it exploded, I made my save, and my uncle (the DM) actually let me stand up and do a Matrix dodge.  That was sweet.

Then, at the next session, we were up against 4 mages, a barbarian, 6 archers with shortbows and shortsword, and 2 feint based rouges.  The team sorcerer cast fireball and incinerated 3 of the mages before they could do anything but cast shield, then my cousin (playing an Occult Slayer) reflected a Scorching Ray at the other.

Level One Barbarian (Me) slaying the Level Three (I believe that's what level it was) boss Hobgoblin (I could be wrong on the type, it was a while ago) in one hit...

In the first round...

I was the first person to go in order of init.

^-^ Yay for critical hit with a x3 weapon!

I remember when I was playing in the morning group back in 2005 when I was at Al Udeid, Qatar...

The group had picked up a cute male npc, my female paladin thought he was cute and so forth.  I personally had plans that she'd kiss him at some point.  But as it turns out, it wasn't to be.

The group was sitting around the campfire for the evening, we were attacked by hill giants and my paladin was very suddenly killed.  The DM had rolled a crit, confirmed it and then killed her.  The npc realizes the paladin is dead, says, "That's enough, I'm not dealing with this anymore."  He changes into a female succubus and flies away.  I'm sitting there with a look on my face that says, ''  Then I laughed really really hard.  The succubus was there to get my paladin and take her down, remove her from the group.  It was really funny, because he/she would have succeeded if the hill giant hadn't killed my paladin first.

Still it's one of the funnier times I remember.

I just remembered that the same group from the last post used to have a purebred mule Razz.  Seriously, it was a joke made by the guy with the sorcorer, but none of us noticed for about 5 minutes that that isn't possible.

Most groups have that player - the one who'll tend to create the situation the DM hadn't planned for or to use the item long forgotten by everyone else.

I've gotten fairly good at it with one of my group's DMs.

The first time was in a dungeon, we had a huge party (About 8 party members, so just that awkward number of a real juggling act as one party and if someone's off or unable to make it, too difficult to try and do two seperate games) so our something like 2nd or 3rd level party at the time faced a nine-headed hydra that, after it's first attack against the paladin had us worried, I'm looking through my list of items and pull out something not even sure it would help: The Wand of Size Alteration and I decide to use up one of the three charges remaining in it.  It worked.  The Hydra became smaller, reducing it's damage a die-step, yet remaining large, much to the Two-Hander Wielding Paladin being happy (2nd ed AD&D, so damage was dependant on the size of the creature, not the weapon) at still getting his lots of dice combined with his 18/93 Strength....

The other time that springs to mind was chasing a mage who was busy translating a book for our enemies.  Obviously a book we didn't want them to have.  Once the rest of the party was upstairs (I was outside keeping a watch incase the person having the book translated returned) and got through the Wraiths up there and burst into his room...The plan fell apart.  The sketetal minions swarmed the doorway, blocking attempts at stopping the mage escaping through the window, though the other rogue chased after him, jumping across the gap to the next roof to chase him.  Seeing the Mage jump out of the window and run along the rooftops, inspiration struck.  And better yet, inspiration that required no roll to succeed or fail.  When it got to my action for the round I headed into the crowd and pointed up at the mage before crying out "Stop that Thief!", to which thankfully the crowd joined and the town guard assambled quickly to try and stop the mage.  He still escaped through a Teleport spell, but it wasn't easy for him.  And we knew his allies that he'd likely go to...

A good one from a few weeks ago. I had just rolled an elf rouge and the GM was rather nice in how he injected me into the party, by a coincidencial fight of course because there was plenty of riches involved... But the fun part was, The racist dwarf barbarian happened to have a "Death list" and being illiterate, had his human buddy write down the names for everyone that he is to kill.. Now, As he was racist against Elves.. He didn't write my name down but actually drew my character's portrait for the thing. It lead to much laughter as this guy was a pretty good RPer too.

It also taught that Elf not to try and steal the gem encrusted belt worn by the Dwarf when he was asleep..
The Chilli God

Hang on, I'll just repost the posts I made in the Best Lines Ever threat over on the WotC boards...

This'll be quite a bit, mind. Only read if you have lots of spare time.


Well, I've got quite a few funny conversations of my own... Here goes!
DM-Okay, you're at the cave entrance. The cave itself seems to slope down into the darkness about 70 or so feet away from the entrance and there is a slightly magical darkness surrounding i--
Wizard/Blood Witch Pyromaniac -I throw a Fireball down it.
DM-*rolls dice* Well, thats the end of that adventure. The fireball explodes on the cave wall, causing it to collapse along with the rest of the cave, crushing all the monsters. You (the wizard) get 12000 experience, since she was the only one who did something.
Everybody else - :shocked:
*Same party*
DM-Right now, there's this great platinum altar dedicated to one of the forgotten gods. It has all these unique carvings on it and looks very exquisite and--
Wizard-Lets melt it down and sell it, it's platinum!
DM-Oh god... That means you get... *types on his computer for a minute* 10000 platinum pieces.
PC's- :ayyyy!:
PC's- :bounce:
Paladin- Hey Wizard, what's that sack for?
Wizard-That? Oh, it's got halflings in it.  :evillaugh:
Wizard-Lets see... My Paladin boyfriend currently has 2 Int and 2 cha due to that curse? And since I gained a level I can learn Limited Wish, which could restore them. Um, I choose Greater Teleport.
DM-(before session)Okay, Wizard. Roll a d% and if you get a high number I'll let something special happen just for you, because you're my favourite character.
Wizard (OOC, of course)-okay, 84.
DM-Congrats! You're pregnant!
Wizard- Surprised who did it?
DM-The Paladin Vampire.
Wizard-  :uh-huh:
Wizard-Throw the halfling at it!
Necromancer PC: "ONE OF YOU MAGGOT LOWLIFE COMMONERS HAD BETTER TELL ME WHERE THE ASSASSIN WENT OR I'LL SKEWER ALL OF YOU LIMB FROM LIIIIMB!!!!!" - He then proceeded to randomly attack villagers with his scythe... and missed every time. In fact, he hasn't hit a thing with that scythe since we started the campign.
Same PC: "Lets burn, pillage, steal, burn, murder, loot, burn, pillage and burn!
another PC: "Isn't it supposed to be steal, pillage, then burn?" - I've got a heck of a dysfunctional group
Same Necro. PC: "I Charge her!" - to a rogue PC who then went and shot him, kicked him to the ground and then stole his spellbook and ripped it up.
Same PC again: "I hereby, In front of all my elders and ancestors, renounce my teachings as wizard of Wee Jas and take up the demonic teachings of Orcus, the Prince of the Undead!!!"
Me (DM): "Make a Knowledge (religion) check *roll roll* You haven't the slightest clue who Orcus is, metagamer."
PC: "Urm, I er well... nevermind."
DM (not me): So this is a pirate campaign. Any ideas?
Player: I know! ALE BOMBS! Mix ale with alchemists fire and you've got ALE BOMBS!
DM: no, no ale bombs.
Player: ALE BOMBS!!!!!  Mad
We're so dysfunctional...
Here are a few from my last gaming session. We have loads of fun with those usually:
Cleric (Of Kord, no less): I charge the door open!
Me (DM): Okay. Assistant DM, what's the DC for a stone door?
Cleric: What?!? I thought it was made of wood!
Me: I said it was made of stone. Wizard towers aren't made of wood, it isn't proper!
Assistant DM/Rules Lawyer: Lets count this as Masonry... 35 DC.
Me: What's your strength mod again?
Cleric: +3... I fail
*We made him roll anyway, and fail*
Me: Okay! You take 2d6 non-lethal damage from banging yourself against the stone... 9 damage.
Cleric: Great, I'm staggered now.
Me: A child saw you ram the door and thinks it might be fun to do the same thing. He rams the door, but hits you instead, knocking you into the door. You take *rolls* 2 non-lethal, the child takes *rolls* 6 non-lethal, both of you fall unconscious.
Cleric:  Surprised  Sad
Me: Just so you know, it wasn't locked, you could've opened it.
Cleric:  :uh-huh:
Cleric: So I've made friends with the half-orc barbarian, there's nobody at the counter due to the celebration of the winner of the gladiator match we both lost [no killing rule] and we want a drink.
Me: Yep
Cleric: Can I break the counter and scream out for a drink?
Me: DC and hardness for table? It's wooden.
Rules Lawyer: 23. [turns out I don't think he was right that time, but meh]
Me: Roll strength.
Cleric: *rolls* darn, 18.
Me: nobody listens to you as you fail to break the table.
Cleric: I try again. *rolls* 20! but no...
Me: This time, your new friend decides to help you as you both smack the table. You roll combined scores of... *rolls* 36. The table splinters under the force, both your fists where a large chunk of it used to be.
Cleric: *mimics the action* CAN WE PLEASE GET A DRINK!?!
Me: *rolls* the room falls in silence at your sudden outburst, then someone in the inn shouts, "I'll shout them!"
[In the before-mentioned gladiator match...]
Cleric: I see the half-orc barbarian? [that always brags about how he can beat ANYONE] I attack!!! *Rolls* 15. Did I hit?
Me: Nope! Very Happy
Cleric: What?!?
Me: [after the others had their bit] okay, the half-orc attacks you... *rolls* and hits! *rolls* you're down.
Cleric: What?!?  :weep: that was barely the second round of the match and I'm already out...
[Cleaning the basement of spiders. About 2k of them.]
Me: You enter the basement-anyone have low-light vision for the Cleric's light spell he cast on his hand? [nobody] Okay, might as well make spot checks anyway. [only cleric passes] Cleric sees a patch on the other side of the basement blackened by moving things. Roll Init, Cleric reacts first though.
Cleric: [first round] I cast summon monster [for the first time] I pick... BADGER!
Me: badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushrooom mushrooom! badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger... sorry. Yeah, a badger comes next round.
Wizard: I cast detect magic.
Me: WTF? there are enemies here! Fine, you sense a faint glimmer of magic coming from the far left corner of the basement.
Wizard: I'm getting that magic thing next round. [Implied: Screw my party members, they can die for the hell I care]
[fast forward]
Wizard: I'm out of spells? I'm useless now...
Me: Something you have... called... a weapon.
Wizard: What? I've got no weapons!
Me: Your shortbow?
Wizard: Like that's any good. Fine, I shoot with the shortbow.
Me: You... hit! For... enough damage to kill all the spiders.
Wizard: How the heck does that work?!?
Me:..... you.... the arrow see...... it splintered upon landing and all the splinters killed the spiders... yes.....  :blink:
[leveled up the Paladin!]
Me: so you now have Lay on Hands.
Cleric's player: Oh dear god! "I want to cast Lay on Hands on myself."
Assistant DM: what's wrong with that?
Cleric's player: Think about it! Lay on hands! [starts acting it out, i won't describe it]
Assistant DM:  Surprised WTF...?
Cleric's player: see? Lay on Hands is probably the worse of the healing things. Potion? Sure, I'm good! Cure Light Wounds? That's cool too! Lay on Hands? Ew! No thanks.
Me: Okay, shut up.
I've just had yet another humorous session with my incredibly funny players. Here's some funny quotes in no particular order...
Me-"As you walk into the inn you notice--"
Assistant DM-"An Asian Hitler Samurai! He is eating soup."
Me-"Sure, whatever."
Cleric-"I go and talk to the samurai. 'Hows it going, my samurai friend?' "
Assistant DM-"The samurai is silent as he eats his soup."
Cleric-"I draw my Greatsword!"
Assistant-"The samurai, in an instant, draws his own weapons and goes 'You have insulted my honor! Now back off or dye by my blade!' He makes an intimidate check and..." *Rolls* "Succeeds!"
Cleric-"Alright, I run out of the inn screaming!" *Gets up and runs around the room screaming. We had to settle him down after that show*
Me- *On phone with [Player]* "Whaddo you mean you can't come because you are entertaining a guest?!?"
Player-"I invited him just yesterday, so I've got to stay here!"
Me-"Even though I organized this session two weeks ago?"
Player-"I don't see how that makes a difference. I called [Player #2] and said I wouldn't come."
Me- "[Player #2] Isn't here either!"
Player-"Well, just get [Assistant DM] to play my character."
Assistant DM- *Off the phone, shouting across the room* Over my dead body!
Me-"Fine. You can stay and entertain your guest. We will be able to play without you just fine. One last thing-I hate your guts. Have a nice day." *Hangs up*
Me- *On phone again* "Whaddo you mean you can't come because you don't feel like it?"
Player #2- "I just don't feel like it."
Me- "You know [Player] isn't here either. That leaves us with 2--"
Assistant DM- "3, I've decided to play a character now"
Me- "That doesn't leave me with a good argument!"
Wizard- "Okay, we managed to get a hostage from that last raid, the paladin managed to Lay on Hands him to consciousness, what do we do with him?"
Cleric- "I kick him!"
Me- "...make an attack roll..." *Hits* "The hostage slumps back to an unconscious state."
Paladin-  Mad "I was going to interrogate him in a more paladin-like manner"
Me- "You're going to need to heal him back to health if you want him to talk.
Paladin- "I'm out of Lay on Hands hit points"
Cleric- "I might as well Cure Light him for... 8 hp.
Me- "Great. You just rendered a hostage unconscious then healed him back to consciousness."
Rogue Player (previously Assistant DM)- "Guess what stats I rolled?"
Me- *Looks at them* " Surprised Oh ****... There's nothing under a 15! I might as well tell everyone else we're going 5d6 take 3 now!"
Rogue- "So the hostage is sleeping on the floor in our inn room, with the Cleric downstairs? I coup de grace him." *Rolls* "Bah, only a 15..."
Paladin-  Surprised "Why would you do such a thing? That's evil!"
Rogue- "My justification is that he attacked us earlier, and he is more likely to stab us in the back when we're sleep than he is to follow us blindly to the town guard."
Me- "Accepted. He's still breathing, by the way"
Rogue- "Now, you have a choice. We can heal this hostage back and have him kill us later, or we can kill him now and be done with it."
Paladin- "Moral Dilemma!"
Me-"Well, it's either let him live, for Mercy, or kill him, for Justice and he's evil."
Paladin- "I guess... Argh... Kill him."
Rogue- *Coup de grace him for death*
Cleric- "I walk back upstairs. " *IC* "Hey guys, what's going o-- SWEET MOTHER OF KORD, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!? WHO KILLED MY HOSTAGE?!?"
Me- "...and his equipment consists of a warhammer, a light--"
Cleric- :love: "Warhammer..."
Me- "yeah, it's masterwork too."  :rolleyes:
Cleric- "[Me], I don't tell you how much I love you as a DM."
Me- "And you're all in bed, sleeping the night away."
Cleric- "And I'm cuddling up to my warhammer."
Rogue- "You know, that's even more gross than the way you interpret Lay on Hands."
*Background info, there are some wizards in my world that spend painstaking days trying to perfect making new spells, some more collect scrolls. The spell this wizard is making acts like an Anti-Magic Field cast on a certain target, instead it suppresses light instead of magic. However, making these spells inevitably yield explosive results...*

Me- "The aged wizard says, 'Thank you so much for this spell scroll, now my collection of 2nd level scrolls is complete... Except for the spell I'm making, of course. Time to get back to the experiment' The wizard then does various actions, and holding a piece of cloth over a lit candle, chants the words of magic. 3..."
Paladin- "RUN IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!!"
Me- "2..."
Cleric- "I dive for cover!"
Me- "1..."
Rogue- *Player crouches to scared fetal position*
Me- "The candle light vanishes. The wizard jumps about in glee, and there is no explosion."
Cleric- "Can I get off the floor yet?"
Cleric- "I want to go a High Five with my friend, only with our warhammers!"
I suppose that's about it for this session. Remember, the Asian Hitler will always stare you down...
Just last night, it was one of my friend and player's birthday, and he decided to use another friend to DM a little fun minigame. Core only, 1st lvl. Half-elf Sorcerer, Elf Ranger, Half-Drow Bard, (using 'Book of Drow Lore' rules) and Me, an Orc Fighter w/ a double-axe and 4 intelligence! I loved every minute of that 5-hour minigame, just because of all the opportunities I had to act my intelligence!

DM: You come across a fountain. Clear water flows from it's point into a circular pool.
Me: I take a drink.
DM: *Fort save failed* when next you talk, a very high-pitched voice is what you speak in.
Me: *High-Pitched I- & OOC* "Pool taste good"
It was even harder to change my voice's pitch mid-way through a sentence as the 'cure light' water (as we figured out later) wore off. When we found out that the pool had healing properties...

Me: I toss the [unconscious] bard into the pool.
DM: Okay, she recovers completely and is no longer unconscious. *Failed Ref and Fort saves to resist swallowing/the effects of the water* When next you talk, it's in a very low voice, lower than the orc's.
She couldn't manage a low voice out-of-character, but got 1st place for the wet t-shirt competition.
Did I mention we were stuck here because of some maniacal epic cleric of Vecna? He talked to us occasionally via telepathy, but we've never seen him.
DM: *Acting Cleric* "Ah, you might want to toss the half-elf in the water as well, he seems to be hurting."
Me: "Me toss 'alf elf," Quite literally, and probably against his will.
DM: *Succeeding grapple and strength checks* Well, he hit his head against the wall of the fountain, dealing him 5 lethal, but he's in the curative water. The voice speaks up again: "Hahaha! Oh, that was funny. Good Orc, have a treat." A bowl of meat pudding appears in front of the orc.
Me: I eat it! *Mimics licking bowl clean*
Too bad the half-elf succeeded his fort save. Lucky I succeeded mine for whatever effect the pudding was going to have on me.
Later, when the bard was practising the flute and my orc was singing around a makeshift fire... (Nat. 1 on Perform check for orc!)

DM: Okay, you're all hungry and, except those who drunk the water, thirsty.
Orc: "Remember we found that dead halfling in a sack?"
Ranger: "Yes...?"
Orc: I grab the dead halfling and chop him into edible chunks, ready for cooking.
My orc kept on asking for ages on end if the halfling arm was done cooking on my double-axe. Whole party except for me got K-O'ed by 4 enemy orcs, which I wasted alone. It was all up to me to restore everyone else, for which everyone else was ****** at me.
Much later on, after feeling more hungry, I remembered that I brought with me a longbow with no arrows, and 4 days rations. Everyone else suddenly acted real nice to me...

Elf: "Hey you orc! I'll trade you my share of the halfling for one of your rations! The halfling tastes much better!" *Fails bluff*
Half-Elf: "What about me? I've heard that halfling meat makes you stronger" *Succeeds Bluff*
Me: "Me look for food..." *NAT 1 SEARCH CHECK!* "No, no food..."
A cheap way to get rid of beggars, but it was worth it.
We finally got around to searching (Read-the elf went for a stroll around the perimeter) for a way out. Came across a hallow wall.

Half-Drow: "Go on, orcy! You can break through wall!"
Me: "GRAAAAAGH!" *yay, 11 damage*
Half-Drow: "Oh, come on. I thought orcs were far much stronger than that.
Me: "ME STRONG! DIE, WALL!!!" *Gasp, 23 damage*
DM: Yep, the wall crumbles to reveal a room. Featureless, expecting a trough of black oozy goo.
Me: *Nat. 1'ed an Int check to see if black oozy goo is bad for you.* "Black goo make me stronger!!!" I belly-flop in.
DM: the goo starts to harden around your skin.
Me: "Making me strong! Me Feel stronger! St*gulp*rong...e...r..."
My orc got outta that goo thanks to the other players, and I found a vial of acid caught in my toe.
The omniscient, epic cleric then had a chat with us.

Half-Drow: "So, how do you get all of these powers anyway?"
DM: "Well, I serve a very useful deity..."
Half-Drow: "What deity would that be?"
DM: "A little god called Vecna."
Me: *Nat. 1'ed Int check, thought a vecna was an elven dish made from the arms of orcs* "GRAAGH! VECNA ORC FOOD! KILL!"
Half-Drow: "Calm down. Vecna is a god, not food."
Me: "Grummsh God." *Bows in reverence.*
Half-Drow: "No, another god."
Me: "Grummsh Brother! Vecna God!" *Bows again*
DM: "Teeheehee, I like the orc."
Eventually, we got teleported out of the 'dungeon' and into some weird world. nothing but a plains. It turns out the cleric missed his teleportation target by about 10 thousand miles.

Elf: I find if there's any tracks available. *Succeeds Survival*
DM: You come across a set of tracks that appear to be made of a rather large beast, probably herbivorous.
Elf: I follow the tracks. *Rest follows. We catch up to a Triceratops. Note-1st lvl.*
Me: "CHAAAARRRRGE!" Leeroy Jenkins style. *9 damage, before everyone else's initiative count. I'm proud."
DM: The Triceratops looks at you lazily, then slightly nudges you for 25 damage.
Good thing we have a 3-strike life system.
We then went to a village populated with humans that look as though they have an orc bloodline. Being an orc, my guy was instantly hailed as unconscious god. A few weeks of restive healing fixed me up. The populace are more dum than I am.

DM: *acting populace* "Our god has awakened! Tell us your name!"
Me: "Me, god? Me Vecna?"
DM: "Hail Vecna!"
Me: "No, me Murk!"
DM: "Hail VecnaMurk! Tell us your secrets!"
Me: *After a minute of contemplation* "Black Goo make you stronger!"
DM: "Black Goo make you stronger!"
Me: "Friends good!"
DM: "Friends good!"
The others arrived at a nearby, more civilized village inhabited by humans with an elven bloodline. Both the Elf and the Half-Drow were revered as a pair of gods. Half-Elf was noticed as a divine servant

Half-Drow: *In sylvan* "Look, being seen as your partner is a small price to pay for divinity, so I'll overlook this."
Elf: *Sylvan* "Fair enough."
DM: *Acting populace* "They speak the language of the Gods!" They bow.
Elf: *Common* "That's rather annoying"
Half-Drow: *Common* "Don't worry about it.
DM: The populace does not react.
Half-Elf: *Entering, talking in Sylvan* "So, how's things going here?"
DM: "Language of the Gods!" They bow.
Half-Elf: *Draconic* "What's up with this crowd?"
DM: "Ahh! The vile language of the Dragonkind!" They ready spears.
Half-Drow: *Sylvan* "I don't know, but keep out of Draconic talk for now."
DM: "The Language of the Gods!" They bow.
Me: *Entering, talking in Orc* "Me tired..."
DM: "Gasp! The evil language of the Orcs!" They ready spears.
Half-elf: *Draconic* "Do something!"
DM: "Ahh! The evil Dragonkind language!" They ready spears at Half-elf.
Elf: *Sylvan* "This is getting us nowhere..."
DM: "Language of the Gods!" They bow.
And so on and so forth.
That's when we finished. My orc got a whole 200 roleplaying xp for that! However, none of us leveled up. Pity, too...
Edit-Oh, I should've mentioned that all racial hatreds between orcs & elves and elves & drow were ignored for purposes of getting the party to work. Although a little bit of friction was sometimes mentioned.
Kheldar wrote:
I just realized all dice in the world hate me. It's true!
Me: "I'm full-attacking the evil blue cleric." *Rolls* "I got a 3 and a 2."
DM: "Nope."
Times that incident by about 10 times and I know something's up. Sometimes I change tactic...

Me: "I'm going to feint attack him for sneak attack damage!" *Rolls* "Woot! I succeeded by bluff! Now for the attack roll..." *Rolls* "3..."  :banghead:
DM: "Nope."  Very Happy
Then these infernal dice of mine... they trick me!

Me: "I full attack..." *Rolls* "I ROLLED A 20!!!!! Confimation..." *Rolls* "A 19! Finally! Damage time!" *Rolls* "I got a 2 total for damage..."  :surrender
DM: "Hehe, nope! Damage Reduction!"
Seriously, I only get real cool 20's on listen checks. Pity me, for this occurs with my dice, and my DM's dice. On the other hand...

DM: "So the evil cleric attacks you... and hits... and critical-hits, for... 69 damage total."

Good thing the DM doesn't want anyone to die from a lucky strike by a Nerull Cleric's scythe. The DM said that was the most damage he's ever seen dealt, and he plays in a high-level campaign! My guy's only 6th lvl... Pity me.
"Orcs hate what they don't know, and orcs don't know anything."
Couple of gems from our last few sessions. Note that party descriptions are in sig.

The scene is a cave populated with orcs and kobolds. The party is in there to rescue the local mayor's daughter. The current BBEG who acts as leader of the orcs and kobolds, called Asrahaan, used to be a PC, and managed to do some stuff including forcefully taking over the local thieves guild and declaring allegiance to Orcus.
While receiving a crucial plot hook in the thieves guild... (now controlled by another PC gone NPC, the former owner barely escaped with his life and a demotion)

Aarven: "Okay, so we know for sure what Asrahaan wants, to gain demonic power."
Ghazkull: "Yes. Where we go now?"
Aarven: "We pay a little visit to the former leader of this guild. What I want you to do is to say 'Asrahaan' really loud in front of the former leader when I tell you to."
Ghazkull: "Yes."
*Aarven & Ghazkull walk to Harold's (former leader) room.*
NPC Harold: "Urm, can I help you?"
Aarven: "My accomplice has something to say to you."
Ghazkull: "ASRAHAAN!"
NPC Harold: "AIEE!" *Harold leaps out window and runs for his life.*
Me OOC: Wow. So much for the halflings' saves versus fear.
Next bit is in the cave itself. Note that Ghazkull has two gallons of ale tied to his back in two barrels.

Me: "This room has a weapon rack with 7 odd small shortspears and 3 medium-sized greataxes. A shelf has a heavy crossbow, and two small light crossbows.
Thoamros OOC: "I take every single weapon."
Me: "You WHAT?!?"
Thoamros OOC: "I take all the weapons."
Me: What for?"
Thoamros OOC: "Dunno." *Shrugs*

Ghazkull OOC: "I get one of my barrels of ale and drink it."
Me: "What, drink it all?"
Ghazkull OOC: "Yep! The whole lot. Do I get drunk?"
Me: "Well, I suppose you would need to make... how many pints in a gallon?"
Aarven OOC: "I think 9."
Me: "9 fort saves, then." *Using the rules for getting drunk in Arms & Equipment*
Ghazkull IC: *Fails save 3 times* "Hay, whadooyawant.... Aaar, youur ma besstesst budddy eva..."

So his drunkenness continued for about an hour game time before he dived into an underground pool to wash it off. Or fell into it, depending on your point of view.
The room after the one with the aforementioned pool was a mess hall of sorts. Had a few tables in it. Few funnies happened here.

Me: "The room has 4 kobolds in it, and 2 orcs. There is also a female orc behind the counter, with no armor or weapons."
Ghazkull IC: "Leave the woman alone!"
Ter-Sra OoC: "I walk up to the orc commoner and attempt to use prestidigitation to make my robes fly about while speaking morbidly in sylvan." *passes intimidate check*
Me: "Okay, the orc is frightened enough to set up a defense. She takes out a rolling pin and whacks you with it."
Thoamros OoC: "I jump on top of the table for a height advantage to the orcs!" *Fails jump check*
Me: "You trip over the table edge."
Ghazkull OoC: "I jump on top of the table! I'll show you how it's done!" *Fails jump check*
Me: "You trip on top of Thoamros."
Thoamros OoC: "At least I'm on the table. I get up and jump over to the table next to me!" *Fails jump check*
Me: "You misjudge your jump and fall on the other side of the table. An adjacent kobold makes an attack of opportunity on you. Oh yes, and the orc woman is beating Ghazkull to death with her rolling pin."

Pity nobody died. Ter-Sra, Thoamros and Ghazkull all got knocked into negatives, but nobody died.
After Aarven locking up a room in the dungeon to sleep and recover completely in for two days (opening it for air, of course), the party comes back to the mess hall.

Me: "You notice the bench on the far side has a pot of gruel on it."
Ter-Sra OoC: "I cast prestidigitation to make the gruel chicken-flavored!"
Me: "Hey, it beats dried fruit and stuff you get in trail rations!"
Skipping a few scenes to after Asrahaan had been slain. Thoamros needed proof of his death to pass his quest.

Thoamros: "Hey, I don't need his body. I got his weapon, that should be enough proof." *Tosses Asrahaan's body into chasm*
Aarven: "Um, first thing, we got that scythe yesterday. Secondly, it could be anybody's scythe. Thus, that scythe is not proof that we killed Asrahaan.
Thoamros: "Uh-Oh. I need his body!" *leaps into chasm. Takes 4d6 falling damage. "Ow... I got it! Dya think his unholy symbol might also prove his death?"
Aarven: "Yeah. Now we need to get you out..."
Thoamros: *After a rope's worth of climbing* "Whew! Thanks. Hey, I can wear his unholy symbol as well as my own one!"
Me: "Sure, if you want to lose divine favor."
Thoamros OoC: "Sure, why not. C'mon, it'll be cool. My old PC's symbol and my new PC's symbol, how cool is that?"
Yeah, that's about all my laughs for these last few sessions. If they're not funny, either you need a sense of humor or you just had to be there.
The party stopped off at a small village on their way to the entrance to the Underdark. They were all pretty hurt, thanks to the fight they had with some Ashworms (Sandstorm) earlier, and the half-orc took some heavy hurts from a Worg he was hunting at the time the Ashworms attacked.
While the sorcerer decides to go and visit her home city, about 40 miles away, on her own without the rest of the party, in a very dangerous forest, and while the cleric was left behind in the last city, I decided to set the rest up with an extremely impromptu murder mystery. Involving Doppelgangers, of course.
While the rogue was investigating a suspect's house (without permission, 'breaking an entry' as it were), the half-orc had to coax the paladin into thinking that the rogue was just around the back.

Valenor: "Where's Aarven? I need to tell him where the neighbors of the suspect think he went."
Ghazkull: Master went somewhere else.
*Bluff 4, Sense Motive 26.*
Valenor: "I don't believe you. Why would you be here?"
Ghazkull: "Master told me to stay here, tell you he went to town guard."
*Bluff 6, Sense Motive 21.*
Valenor: "Hmpf, a likely story. We already went there after checking all the crime scenes for evidence."
Ghazkull: "Alright! alright, Master went around back."
*Bluff 5, Sense Motive 23*
Valenor: "Ha! Yeah, sure. What the hey for?"
Ghazkull: "Master looking for tracks in grass."
*Bluff 3, Sense Motive 26*
Valenor: "No he didn't."
Ghazkull: "Yes he did!"
*Bluff 6, Sense Motive 25*
Valenor: "C'mon. Make up with the real story. Where did he go?"
Ghazkull: "Me told you, Master went around back!"
*Bluff 4, Sense Motive 26*
Valenor: "He went inside, didn't he?"
Ghazkull: "No he didn't!"
*Bluff 2, Sense Motive 22*
Valenor: "That's it, I'm going in."

By that time, the rogue had sneaked out of the house, and was actually around the back. Nobody else knew.


Then, when talking to the rest of the merchant's guild (three of their members had been murdered so far. The suspect in question was a chicken merchant.)

Aarven: "Do you know the Chicken Man?"
Stonemason: "The Chicken Man?"
Aarven: "The Chicken Man."
Stonemason: "Mnyes, I know the Chicken Lane. He lives on Woodcroft Ave."
Aarven: "We think the killer's the Chicken Man."
Stonemason: "The Chicken Man?"
Aarven: "The Chicken Man."
Stonemason: "You think the killer's the Chicken Man..."

Later, I made a reference to the Bloodhounds, a guild (from Complete Adventurer) that the half-orc wants to join, and said that they were on the case to find whoever was responsible for a different crime: Mutant Experimentation. (The culprit for that one was the Chicken Merchant)
The leader was another half-orc, and the two half-orcs had an interesting discussion... This was all in Orcish, by the way, so only the paladin didn't know a word being said.

Bloodhound: "We got call from Captain. Says we must hunt down person."
Ghazkull: "Person is Merchant-Muderer."
Bloodhound: "A merchant-murderer? Does he murder merchants?"
Ghazkull: "Yes, he does."
Bloodhound: "A merchant-murderer murdering merchants?"
Ghazkull: "We think it's Chicken Merchant."
Bloodhound: "A Chicken merchant merchant-murderer murdering merchants?"
Ghazkull: "What?"

After that, the merchant-murderer posed as the Cobbler's mother and poisoned him while the party was guarding the Cobbler's house. Tracks were looked for, but it's not very easy at nighttime on firm ground, and the PC's had to result to forensics to get a lead.
The next day, the PC's managed to track down the real murderer, who just happened to be the Stonemason, who happened to be a Doppelganger, and they killed him and shared a nice reward. All in a day's work.
Yeah, our group always pictured a Mind Flayer sticking a straw in a person's head and sucking it out like the last drops of a Coke can at McDonalds.
Senthos wrote:
Anyway... I've been playing a little bit of RP at school with my Circle of GamerzŰ, and am playing this Non-D20 setting based off of Warhammer 40K. For those of you that are familiar with that setting, I play a Navigator (A sort of Psion), and the rest of the group are basically fighter-types of random shapes and sizes.
I'm trying my darnest to model my character after the infamous Raz, except for a little component of insanity that is characteristic of "Psions" in this setting.
Unfortunately, my own lack of wit tends to compromise the intended wit for the character. Phooey.


So, we were given a plot hook to head for the planet Tyrax, which is apparently a desert planet. When landing the craft on the planet surface...

Me IC: "Good afternoon, passengers, this is your captain speaking. We are just approaching the atmosphere of the planet Tyrax, home of the Tyraxian Cheeseburgers commonly found in McEmperor stores. The weather today is hot, dry and sunny, so don't forget to use extra sunblock, and we apologize earlier for the brief struggle in radio control. I had forgotten that tuning into the Sounds of Chaos channel is heresy, s'all. Please make sure that you exit the craft via the Emergency Exit, as the craft is currently upside down due to lack of a proper runway, and make sure that when you slide down the Emergency Chute, that you don't land on a tumbleweed. Thank you for choosing No FrillsŰ space fares, and have a pleasant holiday."


While getting a drink in the nearby village...

Me IC: "Hey, barkeep."
Barkeep: "Whazzit?"
Me IC: "Gimme a beer."
Barkeep: "That'll be a credit, first."
Me IC: *While waving hand around like a jedi* "You don't want to charge me for the beer."
Barkeep: "I don't want to char-- Hey, you're using some mind trick on me, aren't you?"
Me IC: *Waving hand* "I am not using a mind trick on you."
Barkeep: "I am not using a mind trick on you."
Me IC: "You want to give me a free beer."
Barkeep: "I want to give you a free beer." *Gives me a free beer.*


After a surprising turn of events, possibly involving the complete destruction of the village, we land in the Abyss, and outside is this dark monastery full of demon-worshippers. Hey, it's not unlike D&D after all!
After walking in...

GM: You see two rows of cultists wearing black robes, the rows lead to a set of stairs where this very tall man stands, wearing full battle armor.
Me: I switch to Interior Decoration Consultant Mode!
Me IC: "Hi, we're here to check the interior decoration of your place. I believe one of your slaves called and-- Oh, man, I just love what you've done with this monastery. There's definitely a real 'cultist' feel with this place, and how you get all of these guys to line up for you is simply awe-inspiring. If I may suggest a few things though, perhaps you should replace the crescent moons in the windows with ankhs, as they draw out a pagan cultist feeling that you have going. Also, and this is just me speaking, you should probably have some more color involved in this room. I mean, grey and black is good and all, but color is the spice of life, right? So, maybe a bit of blood-red curtains to line the back wall, and you find that--"
Big Guy NPC: "We do not tolerate humor in this place. Cease your blathering."
Me IC: "I wasn't being funny, I was being serious. This place needs some real zing to it!"
Big Guy NPC: "That's Enough!"
Me IC: "Okay, fine. But you're the one that ordered our consultation."


Eventually, we escape the Abyss, get out of Tyrax, and make headway to this rock. I think they called it The Rock. Original. It's some sort of mega-stronghold where these top-brass, high-league, spanking-regal, max-rank, macho leaders hang.
Well, my character was told specifically to not say anything.
Naturally, that meant he had to say something.

GM: You find yourself in the presence of 5 chaplains of the highest-ranking order in their chapter.
Me: ... Y'know, I haven't switched to Interior Decoration Consultant Mode in a while. D'ya think I should?
All others, except one other: NO!
That one other: Oh, yes!
Me IC: "Oh, geez. This place is about as bare and boring as its namesake. I mean, you could at least add some color other than grey and grey (with a hint of grey) to these walls, can't you? My advice? Wallpaper. I know a guy who knows a guy who can get you a great deal on some wallpaper. Only 7 credits a square meter, you can't beat that sort of price! And, about the color of this table. I think a gold table would be better. Do you like gold?"
Chaplain NPC: "Silence, fool. You are in the presence of those which will ultimately decide your fate here."
Me IC: "I take it, then, that you don't like gold. Okay, that's fine. I'm not one to judge. Anyway, we got to do something about the unfathomable bareness of those windows over there! Get something to glamorize that beautiful scenery you have."
GM: A sixth chaplain walks into the room in gold armor. He puts a skull down on the middle of the desk.
Me IC: "Well, that skull and the gold armor is a start, I suppose..."
Gold-armored Chaplain NPC: "We have an emergency, here!"
Me IC: "I'll say! There's no curtains!"
Senthos wrote:
Okay, remember my little Navigator Psion from the Warhammer 40K universe? (Yes, the one inspired by Rikiel's Raz; he can keep his ego on that.)
He just had the best darn adventure of his life.

Going back to this rock (Called The Rock) after a little adventure involving talking with aliens, he decided to stay in his ship at the docking bay because, "That place is a bit drab, I don't want it to cramp my style any further."
Not to mention that the whole Rock was surrounded by some Imperial fleet, which only let us in due to the kindness in their hearts. Bless them.
So Senthos (yeah, that's his name) is sitting there, looking unsuspicious, while the rest of the party is in there, presumably talking with their leaders. When suddenly...

Violet: *Violet is a PC fighter-type with a few psionic powers, and can speak to Senthos through telepathy* "Senthos! We've just been taken prisoner by the Imperial fleet! We need help!"
Senthos: "Hah! Okay, then. Where are you, exactly? What can I do?"
Violet: "The prison area, you should know the way. You should create a distraction or something."
*At this point, a range of ideas goes through Senthos' head for a "distraction", ranging from blowing up one of the Imperial starships, to running out of his craft with no pants.*
Senthos: "Okay, sure."
*So he settles on an idea, gets out of the craft, psionically creates an illusory costume of an Imperial soldier, and makes his way unmolested to the prison block, where some head honcho (a Witch Hunter, IIRC) is giving a lecture to the rest of the party about their "Crimes."*
Witch Hunter: "You have been reported to have consulted with aliens, the vile Eldar. This is heresy according to the Emperor!"
Interritus: *Interritus is another PC, a fighter-type Interrogator Chaplain* "We were ordered to consult with the Eldar so we can root out the demon hiding in our own flagship!"
Witch Hunter: "That 'demon' is the corruption that has spread through your whole chapter! It must be purged, and you with it!"
*At this point, Senthos, who had just reached the corner behind the prison, decides to psionically throw his voice through the comlink on the Witch Hunter's possession.*
Senthos: *Through comlink* "This is Inquisitor Eisenhorn, come in Tira."
Witch Hunter: "Yes, what is it?"
Senthos: "One of our ships has been attacked, number... uhm... 0256. Yeah."
Witch Hunter: "What? That ship, here?!?"
Senthos: "Uhm, yes... See, it was chartered for it's... special... capacities... Yes. And it is now under attack by... uhm... Demons! Yes, demons. So... we require your... presence, yes... uhm... immediately... please?"
Witch Hunter: "Okay, I'll be right there..."
*And so the witch hunter leaves the rest of the party in prison, which Senthos then gets them out of.*
Interritus: "For the first time in my life, I am... ghk... happy... to see you."
Senthos: "Me too. Operation Rescue Helpless Morons was a complete success."
Interritus: "Let me take that last comment back."
Errathal wrote:
Picture this. You're a warforged soldier in an army of kobolds and orcs and sahuagin and humans and dwarves with a mind flayer (with a plot to eliminate the good guys and rule the world) as your master. You just happen to be his left hand, in fact.

You are defending a fort town owned by your companion and sergeant of equal rank, from an invading army of the good guys. (Yep, they're finally on the offensive.) After successfully stealing their trebuchet from under their noses, you and your army of 750 militia (all with arrows) are all wrecking havoc. Only the captain of the army, a paladin, remains. He'd rather die than flee, you suppose.

And it's your birthday.

Me IC: Happy Birthday, B****.

You know, 750 critical hits, each with maximum damage, tends to make paladins into pincushions.
Not to mention the Tarrasque decided to stop eating and go back to sleep on the same day. And the warforged's birthday present? 100gp.
My group is actually firmly under the belief that Undercommon sounds what the name seems like.

"Aw yeah, bro', Gettin' down wit' me homies ta pimp our lingie in da hood, Undercommon, see? 'S one B****in' lingie to speak, ya dig?"

You get the general picture.
My friend and I, we were talking about a revived campaign DM'd by another friend. We haven't played under him since March at best, and his campaign kinda died underneath piles of work and study. Oh, there was another reason. His campaign sucked. Clich» plot, bad preparation, no depth, monty haul etc.
So this time, his revived campaign is going to be just like his old one. Except for one very important thing. It's now a Psionic campaign. Wild Talent as a bonus feat to everyone, and you're encouraged to make psionic characters.
Seeing as how I was never much of a psionics fan (and the other players didn't really need me there, metaconcerting astral constructs and everything), I declared my intent to not play. But...

Me: "Let me know how the game goes, so I can put it onto the Best Lines Ever thread."

My exact words. Wink
Just randomly, and very regularly throughout the session...

Player: Does this NPC smell?
Me: *Rolls d%* Yes, he does.
Player: Does he smell funky?
Me: ... *Rolls d%* Yes, he does.

98% chance that you smell, 80% chance that you smell funky. Strangely enough, all the characters of one player (past and current) smell, but don't smell funky. They just reek. And we agree.
The party was leading an investigation into the cause of an outbreak of Blue Guts (see BoVD) amongst the town militia. Especially devastating because this town is expecting a drow invasion in a few days.

NPC Captain: "This disease has the telling symptom of a blue complexion, particularly around the abdominal area."
Fighter: "Oh my God! The warriors have become pregnant with blue imps! All hope is useless!"
Rogue: "Wait, even though they're men?"
Fighter: "Even the men..." :gah:
In a completely unrelated incident, regarding a captured Yuan-ti emissary (That unsurprisingly demanded unconditional surrender)...

Captain: "This creature, an ally of the drow, is Yuan-ti. This bodes ill for our side, as the alliance must have been made unbreakable by now."
Rogue: "I'll say! But what about Yu-Mom? Is she with them too?"

Now, imagine what we would be like if we had alcohol. *shudders*
Last session I played was termed "The Best Session My Group Has Ever Had." And all the rest of the group agreed to that claim. Despite the fact that 2 PC's were killed in one encounter against a pair of Fey'ri and a trio of Tanarukk. (I rolled a few ridiculous crits with a greataxe)
But there were some stuff happened before that one encounter...

DM (Me): Two of them are worgs, and three are rather evil-looking but otherwise regular dogs.
Theurge OOC: So, they're fiendish dogs?
DM: Yeah, pretty much.
Cleric OOC: Urgh! Can you imagine how that'd work?
DM: Pretty simple, really. You grab the fiendish template and slap it on a pooch.
Cleric OOC: No, I mean in game!
DM: Well, I'm not sure if I'm one to tell you this, but when a mommy dog and a daddy demon love each other very much...


DM: You see beyond the velvet curtain a very...
Players: Yes?
DM: ...gorgeous-looking...
Players: Yes? :drool:
DM: ...bed.
Players: Hey! :ahem:
DM: Oh yeah, and on it are two very gorgeous-looking women.
Theurge OOC: ...I get a nose-bleed and run out of the room.
Cleric IC: "Ooh! Ooh! Over here! I'm here, too!"
Rogue & Paladin OOC: We block him.
Cleric OOC: Then I'll force my way through!
Cleric and Paladin start beating each other up. Out of Game. With empty Coca-cola bottles and their own shoes. They seem to only do that when they get excited...
DM: Dang, it seems that the most deadly encounter in all of D&D is a pair of hot chicks.


Theurge OOC: Never. Ever. Pick up a pair of prostitutes. In a dungeon.
DM: So... that makes two PC's dead in this one encounter. I've set a new record for the whole group!


Rogue IC: "This is all the fighter's fault. He should have been here, helping us with this battle!"
DM: You do know that you left the fighter unconscious at the entrance of the dungeon at about -2 hit points. On purpose. With no guard. Solely because you never healed him in the first place.
Rogue OOC: So?
DM IC: I really should dump an encounter on the fighter at about this point. Can you imagine a 5th level fighter being pwned by a single kobold?
From last session; This same kind of line has been said before in this thread by someone else, I guarantee it. But it's an awesome kind of line that bears repeating.

(Mind you, I'm actually shouting and screaming through all of the parts where I'm not talking; I'm trying to get the PC's to kill the insane orc out of pure frustration, even if they refuse to believe that it is, in fact, insane.)

Me: "The orc keeps on screaming and screaming, while trying to grab at you despite its chains and its cell."
Warlock: "Tell it to shut up!"
Fighter: "Shut up!"
Me: "It keeps shouting and screaming."
Rogue: "Maybe it doesn't know Common." *In orcish* "Shut up!"
Me: "It keeps shouting and screaming."
Theurge: "Hm. Maybe it's illiterate."
*Everyone else looks at him with an Are-you-stupid glare*



Most recent one was when my character was bitten by a werewolf.

Fighter(moi): Die, annoying wolfie! Back to your kennel!
Wolf: *bites*
*fight ensues with the cleric and sorcerer being bitten as well*
*wolves die*
Cleric: Okay, lets heal you up.
*fortitude saves* *cleric and sorcerer both roll nat 20s*
Me: I'm going to get a nat 1.
*rolls nat 1*
Me: Woof bloody woof.

Now I get teased by the DM and the other two players. "It's full moon tonight Lizzie, I'll get out your dog collar".

*plots her revenge*

SO, since there's been a lack of stories lately, I shall post one of my own.

So, get this. My group's playing one of my DM's 'sandbox' campaigns; Basically, he sets up a whole world, and we decide what we're gonna do. So, we head out to this little farming town to see how things are going there. It's been a few months since we were last there, and the last time we were there, the village was attacked by hobgoblins. We show up, and it turns out the place has been occupied by orcs, and the villagers have been enslaved, so we go about beating the crap out of the orcs. Next thing we know? Rocks fall, everyone dies...or, rather, lightning bolts come from the skies, we all get burnt. We were supposed to barter with the orcs for the villagers' freedom rather than fight them.

WTF?! O_o

You know, a 'sandbox' is where players choose what to do and just run around having the time of their lives. For a sandbox campaign, that sounds extremely railroady. In fact, it seems extremely railroad-y for ANY campaign.

Methinks that was his point

Well, this technically isn't mine, but one of my friend's dad designed a wizard with a pidgeon familiar that could channel a fireball spell into its poop.  Yes, it had poop-bombs.  Exploding crap.

That WAS the point.


Well, I believe the material component for a fireball is bat guano. Don't quote me on that, I'm not bothering to look it up.

It is.  But seriously, this is undeniable proof that DnD is completely lawless now.  Pidgeons with exploding crap.

Obviously the pigeon was feasting on bat guano, then. Which is a little more than sick, actually.

My dad told me about this one tonight.  He, his brother, my cousin, and one of my uncle's friends are playing the Tomb of Horrors, with my uncle as the DM.  They have two monks, and at least one cleric.  My uncle told them to min-max, so my cousin (the cleric) goy a Spell Storing (Cure Critical) Undead Bane Heavy mace.  And he has Holy Might (+10 to STR once a day for one round)  They enter a room with three chests.  They find that the middle one is trapped, so everyone but the monks gets out and the monks open one of the untrapped ones.  Out comes a 10 foot tall skeleton with two scimitars.  My dad's monk yells for a cleric to get in here.  So my cousin's cleric charges it.  About now, my dad goes to the bathroom and my uncle goes to fold laundry.
While on the toilet, my dad overhears my uncle talking to himself about how mad my cousin is going to be when none of his stuff works.  So, they get back, and my cousin does...8 points.  Bone golem, sucka!

Here's a recent one from around here.  We had just had a discussion with the DM about setting unreasonable odds, and the DM says that, maybe, for once, we aren't supposed to fight them.  Then one of the player, who will not be named, attempted to blow of the hand of the guy with the biggest gun.

Hey, it's a good idea! =P

A DM setting unreasonable odds? Madness! You should, like, get a new one or something! I mean, how dare they try to get you to try other venues aside from fighting! It's a time honored tradition of RPGs "If you want something done, kill everything else that won't do it for you." Seriously, I am outraged at the gall they have.

I remember one time I DMed when I was up in Tennessee with my ex and his friends.  I had the whole thing planned out, but on our way to his friend's house I saw a decapitated body.  So, I got piss drunk (this was before I took meds that didn't allow me to drink.)

So I totally screwed up.  I sent a wave of goblins at their characters. Couldn't think straight.  So I layed back on the floor after the first wave and said "congrats, ya won." And closed my eyes.

._. Whoa, decapitated body? Seriously?

The ambulance had passed us on the way to get there.  I found out later that the body was already dead when the train ran it over.

Holy crap.

I recall playing in this one campaign a friend tried, where we were intelligent items.

It was pretty interesting, basically trying to be like the One Ring and convince everything we find to wield us.

We were turning a paladin evil ^-^

That is actually a really cool idea.

Yeah, really original concept. Gotta try that sometime. >=)

BTDT.  No's actually a pain in the ass if your DM's a sit in the game for hours doing nothing.

I lost my first character last Saturday.  But even then, he's not dead, so I can still say I've never had a character die....

Call of Cthulhu campaign, the very last part of the campaign apart from one session.  Me, and one other player knew our characters weren't going to survive the campaign anyway (Mine was on 13 sanity, him 3) and we finally meet someone we've been trying to find for months, he agrees to help us and provides some hired goons to help and they all had plenty of spare weapons leading to us all heading in to Grey Dragon Island, armed with Tommy Guns.

We snuck past the outer guards and made our way into the cave where greeting us was the sight of a twenty foot tall statue of a grotesque bloated woman with severed limbs hanging from it covered in blood.  Cue Mr. Former 3 Sanity going permanantly insane and somehow I didn't.  Yet.  Anyway, that player and me have a gaming thing where we try to get in an appropriate movie/tv quote into each session (It started with a game of Dark Heresy and the line "No one expects the Inquisition!"), leading to this session's quote, courtesy of either Life On Mars or Ashes to Ashes and DCI Gene Hunt: "You're surrounded by armed bastards!"  And followed by the sound of his Tommy Gun opening up on the leader of one of 10 Deep Ones.  This, it turned out, was bad.  The reason being that the leader was holding a stone that controlled a Shoggoth, which then was free to jump out of his pool and try and attack us.  Oddly 9d6 damage hurts when it hits a Cthulhu character...But we had out spare combat mercanaries to take the hits.  Unfortunately, my sanity dropped by it's remaining 6 to 0.  While holding a Tommy Gun.  And another party member dropped to 0 as well.  While holding a Tommy Gun.  Suffice to say, things started dying.  Unfortunately time dictated that the session end as the last Deep One fell, leaving only the 15 cultists to deal with then find more stuff to do with a party that's half insane...

The only real time I've had a jerk DM wasn't even in a game. One of my friends and I were chatting over MSN over....last summer maybe? Anyways, he invites his friend in, because his friend wanted to talk to me about this campaign he wanted to run.

So I'm sitting there, reading what he's typing, and posting in Town, and all that jazz...when suddenly, I understand what he's saying. In my own terms. So I say "Oh, you mean like Cell, from DBZ?"

This kid gets PISSED OFF. And starts flipping out on me. And all I can this is, "dear gods dude, calm down. I only tried to put it in a way I understand. If I was wrong, you could have EASILY told me calmly what you meant."

Wukei wrote:
BTDT.  No's actually a pain in the ass if your DM's a sit in the game for hours doing nothing.

I think it's worse personally when your the DM and the players are idiots/jerks. I had to begin bringing a stick to our sessions so I could keep two of them from doing stupid things IC and OOC.

I mean, if you just kill of their characters, they don't seem to care, and they just bitch until you let them play again... So I begin hitting them with things. >.>

Well, I've been kicked out of my old group, which was of moderate level.

We basically killed off this ancient dragon(red, if you must know), and there was a +5 sword in his hoard. Being the fighter of the party, and specialized in swords, I wanted it.

No. The Rogue wants to multiclass to Fighter(he just gained a level), and wants the sword for himself.

There was much arguing, followed by throwing of dice and gnashing of teeth. In the end, I was banned from their gaming table.
The Chilli God

Bah. Any group that would ban you over an argument across the table (however violent it turned) would probably have banned you anyway sooner or later. Best to forget them and move on.

...Unless you were the only one gnashing teeth and throwing dice. Then you might want to work on not doing that so often. =P

Yeah.  I'm surprised the rouge didn't get the boot.

Much throwing of dice and gnashing of teeth was had by all.

In other words, Greedo(the rogue)shot first.

If it's an IC issue, then play it out IC. If you can't come to an OOC agreement, roll a die for it.

At least, that's what I'd say in theory. However, never having been faced with such a situation, I don't fully appreciate how annoying and angering such a situations would be. So, I don't know what I'd do in practice.

In other news, I've managed to get together with Child of Spleen (who I knew in RL anyway) to play a few D&D sessions. It's not going too well, but neither of us have played before, so that's to be expected.
It's his second session, and he's already on the run from the guards.
Ah, well.
The Chilli God

Man, when was the last time I had an actual tabletop game?

Must be nearing a year ago, now...
*Cries* Right now, it's like I'm living on snacks instead of having full meals.

Just yesterday, my friend Chris and I were trying to get a new DnD group together. We found two members, my other friends Tyler and Jacob.

Neither have ever played DnD before, and both want to be offensive spellcasters; Tyler the Wizard, and Jacob the Sorceror. Chris wants to be the DM. I'm the only player in the group who's played DnD besides Chris, and he's the DM, so I'm elected leader.

So, Chris declares we should all roll 1d20 for all of our stats.

I rolled six consecutive natural 20s. Six. SIX.

I don't even need a party right now.

My brother was playing a game in which you had to defeat the opponent's leader (I think it was warhammer.) He had a catapult, which hit a random spot on the board. On the first turn he used the catapult, hit the opponent's leader, and won.
The Chilli God

Chance of scoring a single natural 20: 1/20
Chance of scoring six consecutive natural 20's: 1 / 64 million.
Chance of scoring a single 18 using 4d6DL: 1/62
Chance of scoring six consecutive 18's using 4d6DL: 1 / 55 thousand million.
And, just for the heck of it, chance of scoring 6 3's using 4D6DL: 1 / 4 million million million. (Or, a 4 with 18 0's)

Just a bit of interesting stats for you.

One in 64 million?

Hot diggity damn! >=)

blackout wrote:
One in 64 million?

Hot diggity damn!

Hot diggity damn indeed. Play the lottery.

The best part is that my DM can't refute it; I rolled the stats right in front of him!


blackout wrote:
The best part is that my DM can't refute it; I rolled the stats right in front of him!

That's not entirely true, you know. Rule Zero dictates that the DM can do whatever it is that he needs to to ensure the survival of the game, and a lot more besides. Should your (obviously) incredible attributes unbalance the game (and, I warn you, they probably will) the DM is fully in the right to have you re-roll them. I would suggest that you be prepared for it if it happens, and be decent about it. If it doesn't, be prepared for some inter-party jealousy, as your character will most likely be far more powerful than the characters played by the other members of your gaming group.

Soph, the rest of the group is a newb wizard and a newb sorcerer.  He has to fill the role of meatshield, band-aids, and skill monkey.  With one character.

In other news, I officially place Uncanny Dodge above Evasion.

Bookboy wrote:
Soph, the rest of the group is a newb wizard and a newb sorcerer. †He has to fill the role of meatshield, band-aids, and skill monkey. †With one character.

This is not a joke; they both wanted to be the offensive spellcaster, and we only have three people in the group, not counting our DM, who's efficiency as a DM I personally doubt, given that he's spent most of his time as a player.

On top of that, I'm the only guy in the actual party who's ever played DnD before, so I need these stats for anything to ever actually happen to the party that would be any of the following:

Dead monster that attacked the party
Dead NPC that attacked the party
Successfully completed quest
Trap avoided
Trap disarmed
Trap detected
Treasure discovered
Treasure divided in a fair manner
Unwinnable fight avoided
Difficult fight won
Or anything else that would be considered a positive result from any of our actions in the game.

So, I'm gonna be wasting the two classes I could potentially multiclass to on Rogue and Cleric levels, just to keep Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer alive, when I could be multiclassing to Weapon Master, or Paladin of Freedom, and messing some stuff up with some of my sheer kickassery or Smite Evil, or something.

Or the DM could maybe cater the adventure so that it's easier for the party you have?

For Child of Spleen, I'm having to create an adventure for a lone bard. And neither of us have played before. Now try telling me your party's gonna have a hard time.

Two to three Goblins or Orcs a room. Maybe some Kobolds.

There ya go, solo Bard-oriented dungeon.

So, if I can do that to make a bard solo adventure, why can't your DM do something similar to make an adventure for a mainly spell-casting party, allowing you to take your character down the routes you want to?

Eh, maybe I'm DMing wrong.

Because I, personally, am not good at playing a spellcaster, and if he did that, then it'd be too easy for me, because I'd basically waste any anti-spellcaster monsters, since I'm the fighter.

Alright.  Another moment from last night.  We were assaulting the thing that looked like a gate building, minus the gate.  Everyone but the sorcerer is able to levitate (via the sorcerer's castings).  My scout sprints up next to the wall after evasioning around a fireball spell.  He stops, drops his bow, and then next round he levitates up 20 feet while drawing his rapier.  After the levitating, he calmbers over the 5 foot battlement, tumbles past the guard standing there, and comes up (all the while humming this).  Then next round, the other team's sorcerer walks over to the edge of a 15 foot higher part that he's on, and Scorching Rays me in the back.  14 points.  I have a total of 31.

You play a Scout?

A simple, three-letter acronym will suffice to explain my position on Scouts: lol

This happened just before those lunch monitors of doom came out of nowhere to crack down on our game.

We were breaking out a prison cell, and I finished picking the lock just in time for the Sorceror to run out of the cell, and see what the DM describes as a floating sword just hovering in midair.

Being inquisitive, the Sorceror approaches the weapon, and is engulfed by a Gelatinous Cube.

Sorceror's Player: SAVE ME! I'M DYING!

Me: Sorry, I can't hear you! You're engulfed in a giant cube of acidic, mobile Jello, and I'm still in the doorway of the prison room! You're pretty much boned, dude!

Group vs Stone Golem:

Sorcerer (not related):  Acid Splashing (at round four he remembers he has a Scarab of Golembane and gives to Dad)
Dad (DM's brother):  Full defence and then miss once obtaining golembane scarab
Fighter/Paladin/Occult Slayer (DM's son):  Bash the ++++ out of it with a +2 adamantine warhammer
Fighter (DM's other son):  Chip at it with mstk warhammer
Cleric (DM's wife):  Recetation, Prayer, Righteous Might, beat on it, knocked down to -9, 5-foot step back (Diehard feat), heal
Me [Scout] (DM's nephew):  Roll 4 on initiative after relalizing I went into the cave blind, plink at it with arrows (max damage 3), player begins making jokes about being the one to somehow kill it, last round, roll 6+5=11, damage dealt 1, KILLS IT.

Do I not deserve bonus XP for calling that?

This was from my dad's online game. †Surin (halfling rogue) is busy killing goblin sentries via throwing axe to the back of the head. †He fails to kill one in the first hit (no idea how it happened).

Surin: †25+
Goblin: †4

Shouldn't he get an extra attack outta this or sumin'?
Orange Zergling

The DM said he'd put a 10 minute timer on and we had to get to to the end of the Warehouse and back out before that time expired because the warehouse's inhabitants were planning to blow it up and deal some damage to Sharn.

Apparently my fellows didn't take the DM seriously, and we goofed off for about 5 minutes before I suddenly said, out of the blue, "Wait, is that thing ticking?"

At which point we hurried to finish the encounter. We didn't, we had to start over. <.<

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