Here, for those of you interested in dining, you may list some of your favorite recipes. Have fun.
I'll start things off with a recipe that I have just created: El Grande Panini.
You start with four slices of bread, any kind will do. Next, take a slice of turkey left over from Thanksgiving, or, if you prefer, chicken. Put it on one slice of bread. Next, get some mustard of some kind, and put it on the next slice, on one side, followed by shredded cheese(aged, preferably). Put it on top, the mustard/cheesed side facing the chicken. Then, take two hot dogs, nuked in a microwave beforehand, and put them on top of the other side. Repeat the process with the mustard and cheese on the next slice of bread, and then put it on the hot dogs. On top of this slice of bread, put some sort of meat, I'll leave it up to you. I went with a slice of cold bologna. Put mustard and cheese on the next slice of bread, and put it on.
1 or 2 qts rum
1 tsp. sugar
2 c. dried fruit
1 tsp. soda
1 c. butter
2 lrg. eggs
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn't it! Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add a seaspoon of tugar and beat again. Try snother cup. Open second bottle if necessary.
Add two orge laggs, 2 cups fried druit, and beat until high. If the druit gets stuck in the beater, just pry it loose with a srewumdriver. Sample the rum agin, checking for toncestcity. Next sift 3 cups baking powder, a pinch or rum, a steaspoon of toda, and a cup of salt or pepper (it really doesn't matter). Shample the bum agian. Sift 9/2 pints of lemin juice.
Fold in schlopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease the oven and turn turn cake pan to 300 gredees. Shlake until bells bood or lire afarm goes off.
Mom's Brownie Recipe
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Junior, "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Junior and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Junior again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Junior and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Set timer for 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Junior. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the damn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Junior had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Junior in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Junior having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Junior to clothesline.
Remove burnt brownies from oven, cool, and try to salvage with frosting.
And a christmas recipe...
Recipe for a Joyous Holiday Meal from the Alternative Gourmet
*Whole Roasted Reindeer with Christmas Elf Stuffing*
This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining. The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.
Saute the onions, carrots, and celery in olive oil until soft.
Add the diced elves and cook until lightly browned.
Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season with pepper, salt and garlic to taste.
Stuff the reindeer with dressing.
As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to find an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kid's wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouch's garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done.
This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.
P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they won't fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.
Cassie, can you advise me on the best place to buy fresh elves?
Oh no, you have to hunt them down. Fresh elves from the shops just won't work. Depending on how much elf flavouring you want, tells you whether to go for Tolkien style elves or Christmas elves. Christmas elves are normally found in cold places. Go to Greenland, and hunt them there.
Tolkien/D&D style elves...I'm not so sure on. I normally use Christmas elves, but I'd recommend talking to an elf hater. They'll be able to help.