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Random Quotes

Random quotes you say throughout the day that you find particularly funny.

Me, an hour after handing my mom 2 hydrochodone (Rx pain reliever), 2 tizanidine (Rx muscle relaxant), and 2 benadryl:

"Don't tell me what I did and didn't hand you.  I'm the lucid one."

My sister was teasing my dad about how fast he went through a bag of chips.  His response?

"You don't get this fat by lookin' good."


Maths lesson.

Guy and girl talking when they shouldn't.

Sir tells them off.

The guy's excuse?

"But she was on me!"


The closing argument of the Prosecution was, "He was very aware that he had something very valuable in his pants." -In reference to where the defendant had stashed a packet of Oxycodone.

As some of you know, I'm finishing training to be a teacher soon. I have many quotes from my kids. They're a funny little lot.

One of my personal favourites, when practicing balancing 2 tennis balls on a bat and he hadn't been listening and hadn't got the second ball... "I've only got 1 ball !!"

My little Polish girl after a long, circular discussion about her rabbit in my Religious Education lesson on forgiveness... she really hadn't got a clue what to do, so I tried to explain that her rabbit, when it bit her, hurt her and she forgave it. She told me she'd eaten the rabbit because it bit her. Then we established she hadn't and the bunny was alive and well, she proudly declared, in superior tones that condemned as inferior all western european rabbits as being horribly wussified , "Is Polish rabbit !". In other words, "of course it's bloody bitten me, what do you think it is ? A decadent and corrupt capitalist bunny that's devoted to its own hedonistic pleasure ? This is a lean, mean bunny from behind the Iron Curtain !" As a famous enchanter once said, "That's no ordinary bunny !". All hail the new rabbit master race !

Then we have the spelling mistakes.

"The witches all ate a lot of cack." (cake) being the most recent shining example.

"I am good at matig" Later discovered to be entirely innocent and actually "I am good at making"

My mom, with great sincerity: "But I really am seeing ducks!"

I didn't believe her when she said there was a duck in the backyard, sure enough, I went out there later, and a duck flew out of the bushes.

Me:"Hey mom, it must be catchy, I can see 'em too."

Every time we saw a duck throughout the next week we laughed like a couple of idiots. It was just funny.

Jacob, a fourteenish boy, to my father: "Your back is hard!"

Context? What is this context you speak of?
Yeah...children have problems...
Orange Zergling

My grandfather was running a carpentry class several... decades ago, I think, and this is what one of his students said to him.

"Mr. Koch, I cut it twice and it's still too short."

"You're using a little too much mana there...isn't that sort of overkill?"
"Overkill is the best kind of kill."

Not QUITE what happens on a regular basis...more like what I think would happen if I were more...schizophrenic.

Voice in my head: Hey, Adam, I need you to-
Me: Shut up, Zeke!
Random Passerby: Who are you talking to?
Me: Nobody, go away.

A conversation with my mom.

Mom: Ooh! You're in the Julius Caesor play? Who are you playing?
Me: Uhh...the one that starts with a t...
Mom: Brutus?

"It's a pretty intestine."

Don't ask.

*In Statistics Class*

Me: *Holds up hands as though they contained a soccer ball sized ball* "BLASTULA"
Person sitting next to me: "That's awful large for a blastula"
Me: "That's because it's gonna be a baby elephant"

Rest of that month,
Me: Blastula!
Person who was sitting next to be: Blastula!

It was like a new way of saying hello (^_^)

My friends and I have odd conversations....

"A wild Gonzo appears!"
"I send out Cookie Monster!"
"Gonzo uses Big Nose Strike!"
"Cookie Monster uses Eat Peabody Award and restores his health!" (joke based from Mr. Colbert)
"'re a tricky one...
I send out my Custom Robo."
"Meh, The End. Let's get a cookie."

The End is a wonderful spell in one of the Final Fantasy games that kills any enemies without fail. Useful on final bosses. My friend and I frequently refer to it to end stupidities like that conversation there.

"3 plus 5 is eight, moron."
"I was totalling! 3 to 5! Good lord, a d4 doesn't even have a 5 side."

My friend was a wee bit tired. And I still killed the vampire, heehee.

Well madame, I was hunting the large cat, don't-cha-no and spied your fine establishment of employment. And I thought to myself, Reginald, because while my name is not really Reginald, everyone calls themselves that, I thought, Reginald, why don't you apply there!

~Osnagard, on job hunting.

This was at the dinner table.

Me: "...[Because] Dick Cheney has no soul."
Dad: "Actually, he has a pretty good relationship with his lesbian daughter."
Mom: "And his lebian wife."
Me: "..."

You shouldn't remark on whether people have souls.  Some people actually like Cheney...and I don't think you even know any of his morals to judge him as such.  Actually learn something about someone before you just mimic words because you think it will make you look cool.

I know his policies, and Cheney is pretty d*mn evil.
I find it interesting that you saw my post and naturally assumed I knew next to nothing about politics. Do you think that of everyone you meet when they bring up a topic (even the opinions that you agree with, which seems to be the case in this instance based on how you just spoke about Cheney)?

I misquoted earlier: I actually made a statement about Cheney being incapable of feeling love, not about wheather he has a soul or not.

Politics I'm not talking about.  We're not allowed to speak about politics. I chose a poor word and fixed it.  I meant his moral stances.  But I am so tired of people that think that they know someone when they haven't met that person.  You'll never know Cheyney.  You'll never know your favourite actor.  These people are basically told what they can say on the camera or on radio.  Either that, or they spend hours writing up something PC on their speeches.

We'll continue this discussion in PMs.

"Fungus is a thing you can't be halfway"

Nobody was getting insulted with this, see, it started when I found this plant, and it looked like a fungus and... long story. "Fungus is a thing you can't be halfway" *giggles*

What about Lichen? Half Fungus, Half Bacteria, One Hundred Percent Badass.

Lichen is awesome.

but that quote still hits my funny bone and I don't know why.

I had a dog staring at me while I was scooping meat into taco shells:

"If I was fixing this for you I wouldn't actually be preparing it."

It made dad laugh.  Right now, I don't find much funny cuz of my migraine.

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