Archive for Enupnion Keep on Dreaming
 


       Enupnion Forum Index -> Chit-Chat
nightwing

I'm writing a book

I'm righting a book. Please tell me what you think. Here is what I have so far:





It’s New York City, 1947.  Henry “Hen” Munro sat back in the leather seat of his black 1335 Cadillac and lit a cigarette. He flipped open the New York Times and flipped to the obituary.   He looked down the page until he got to the name Louis Garfield . He started reading.

Louis Garfield, 42

This construction worker was founded dead after a brawl at the local bar. The cause of death remains unknown at this time, but the bar’s manager says he fought mainly with a strong young of about 35 man in a trench coat. His coworkers say he will be missed.

Hen gave sneer then a grin. Three of his teeth were missing, one lost in the bar fight, the other two in a car crash. Hen was wearing a brown suit coat and matching pants. His vest was a slightly darker brown. His shirt was white, as was his tie, which came to just short of the top of his vest. The shirt cuffs stuck out from under his coat. He had sandy brown hair, but it was covered by his brown bowler hat. He is a “private detective,” licensed to carry firearms, currently being hired as a body guard to a man named Norman “the string” Nelson, a man who runs a bookie operation, the office of which Hen’s car was parked outside of.

Hen looked at his watch. It was midnight. Norman should be out any minute. His little frog-like eyes ran down the page again. “Do I really look 35?” he asked himself. This was his artwork, and he thought he should enjoy it while it was on display.  He heard the door to the building open and then the footsteps of two men. He put down the newspaper and looked up. He saw Norman, whose noodle-like frame projected a long shadow across the step’s sidewalk, and a fat man who Hen recognized as Norman’s lawyer.  He put out his cigarette in the car’s ashtray and rolled down the window.

It was late and this was the duller part of town. Most people were in bed or down a little north of here at the clubs and bars. Even over here, a mile or so away, you could see the bright flashing lights and hear the noise. He unbuttoned the first few buttons of his coat for easier access to his gun and got out. Norman continued down the steps but his lawyer stopped and reached into his coat. Instinctively Hen pulled out his gun.  He knew what was happening. Just as a gun emerged from the lawyer’s coat pocket Hen’s finger pulled back the trigger of his gun. The lawyer’s head flew back as the bullet hit him in the chest. The thud of the lawyer’s body was unheard over the echo of the gunshot. Norman shrugged. “I never did like that mouthpiece anyway.”
Darkblade

Writing tip #1 If you are going to try and get people to look at something you have written spell the word writing in your title line correctly.
Wukei

Writing tip #2: Get 1 person to look it over and edit it (not only spelling-wise, but grammatically) before you show it in a large setting.
Flabbicus

A consistent verb tense also helps maintain the feeling of the text.

Also, you could easily separate that into separate (redundancy!) paragraphs so it's a bit easier to read.
Wukei

That's why I suggested an editor.
Flabbicus

Yet another reason why I was being redundant. Razz
nightwing

I no, I need to get some one to edit it. I'm not very good at that. I had my dad look it over and he made a few corrections, but I will have to email it to my brother in Scotland. So, aside from the fact that I made lots of is mistakes, what do you think of the book?

P.S. I made a few more corrections.
Artemis

Honestly, I think this has a lot of potential. I can tell already that you have put a lot of thought and imagination into this story, and once you work out the editing, it looks like it will be a fun read.

Don't get discouraged by our calls for better grammar and spelling. One of my English teachers told me a while back that that's the easy part of writing, but the creativity to come up with a good story, that's what seperates a novel from a term paper, good writing from boring text. You've got the creativity already, and with a little work, you'll have the grammar down too.

Don't stop writing. I'm curious to see where this goes.

~Artemis
gaelbert

Re: I'm writing a book

nightwing wrote:
]I'm righting a book. Please tell me what you think. Here is what I have so far:





It was New York City, 1947.  Henry “Hen” Munro sat back in the leather seat of his black 1335 Cadillac and lit a cigarette. He flipped open the New York Times and flipped to the obituary.   He looked down the page until he got to the name Louis Garfield . He started reading.

Louis Garfield, 42

This construction worker was found dead after a brawl at the local bar. The cause of death remains unknown at this time, but the bar’s manager says he fought mainly with a strong young man of about 35 in a trench coat. His coworkers say he will be missed.

Hen gave sneer, then a grin. Three of his teeth were missing, one lost in the bar fight, the other two in a car crash. Hen was wearing a brown suit coat and matching pants. His vest was a slightly darker brown. His shirt was white, as was his tie, which came to just short of the top of his vest. The shirt cuffs stuck out from under his coat. He had sandy brown hair, but it was covered by his brown bowler hat. He was a “private detective,” licensed to carry firearms, currently hired as a body guard to a man named Norman “the string” Nelson, a man who runs a bookie operation, the office of which Hen’s car was parked outside of.

Hen looked at his watch. It was midnight. Norman should be out any minute. His little frog-like eyes ran down the page again. “Do I really look 35?” he asked himself. This was his artwork, and he thought he should enjoy it while it was on display.  He heard the door to the building open and then the footsteps of two men. He put down the newspaper and looked up. He saw Norman, whose noodle-like frame projected a long shadow across the step’s sidewalk, and a fat man who Hen recognized as Norman’s lawyer.  He put out his cigarette in the car’s ashtray and rolled down the window.

It was late and this was the duller part of town. Most people were in bed or down a little north of here at the clubs and bars. Even over here, a mile or so away, you could see the bright flashing lights and hear the noise. He unbuttoned the first few buttons of his coat for easier access to his gun and got out. Norman continued down the steps but his lawyer stopped and reached into his coat. Instinctively Hen pulled out his gun,  for he knew what was happening. Just as a gun emerged from the lawyer’s coat pocket, Hen’s finger pulled back the trigger of his gun. The lawyer’s head flew back as the bullet hit him in the chest. The thud of the lawyer’s body was unheard over the echo of the gunshot. Norman shrugged. “I never did like that mouthpiece anyway.”


The grammar nazi inside of me took the liberty to make a few grammar and spelling corrections. It seems like you are unsure of what tense you want (present or past?), and the impact of the bullet was a little confusing (why did the head fly off when the chest was hit?), and I tossed in a few extra commas, but other than that, this looks promising. I always love a good short story.
Moxie

Sorry, Grammar Nazis, Nightwing's like a Grammar Stalingrad. Laughing
Kyrian

*cries when the Grammar Nazi didn't catch the "righting" in the first line*
gaelbert

An eight month siege full of snipers in an urban battleground? A city full of conscripted untrained Russian soldiers?
Moxie

Grammer Rush-ins.
gaelbert

I can see it now: Misspelling at the Gates.
Nightwing, I hope you know I'm offering these corrections with only the kindest of motives.
Moxie

The Great Battle on the Vocab?
gaelbert

A voice crackles in over the radio, intermittently interrupted by static:

"HQ, we have a double consonant situation here. It appears they have a "mt" in position...

""MT!" That's only possible in dreamt! Miriam-Webster platoon, I want you providing cover fire. Consonant Retrieval, I want you making the extraction. Go, go, go!"

"We need those reinforcements, and we need them- oh my [static] They're moving in a unit of mixed pronouns. May Webster help us all..."

       Enupnion Forum Index -> Chit-Chat
Page 1 of 1
Create your own free forum | Buy a domain to use with your forum