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Wukei

Animal Control

Dear Dogs and Cats,



The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.



The other dishes are mine and contain my food.



Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim on it becoming your food and

dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.



The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.



Beating me to the bottom is not the object.



Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.



I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this.



Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.



Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.



It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize

space is nothing but sarcasm.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.



If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.



I must exit through the same door I entered.



Also, I have been using the bathroom for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!







To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:





Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:



1. They live here. You don't.



2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)



3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.



4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Kyrian

Thankfully I wasn't drinking anything. Otherwise my computer would be even more screwed up.
Castaras

Kyrian wrote:
Thankfully I wasn't drinking anything. Otherwise my computer would be even more screwed up.


Agreed.

Wukei, that is awesome.

I am so saving that into word for later. Very Happy
Wukei

My mom showed it to me ^.^
Castaras

This reminds me of a recipie I saw once....There were a few others as well but they were all christmasy and stuff and anyway...

Spoiler:

Mom's Brownie Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Junior, "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Junior and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Junior again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Junior and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Set timer for 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Junior. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the damn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Junior had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Junior in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Junior having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Junior to clothesline.

Remove burnt brownies from oven, cool, and try to salvage with frosting.

Wukei

That reminds me of how to make a rum cake...
NecroPaladin

Re: Animal Control

Wukei wrote:
Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college -- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.


Quoth Calvin's Father from Calvin and Hobbes, when Calvin's Mother asks him if he's happy they had a son:

"All I know is that I wanted a dachsund. But nooooo, you said-"

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